letterstoheaven.org

2010-05-08T14:59:00.001-07:00

Mom,

How have you been? This will make the third year since you have been gone.
This year seems to be filled with more sadness than the past ones .I put flowers on the graves just like you
did ever year.Hope that you like the cards for Mother's Day!
I don't know how you feel about what is happening with Michael and his family.
I'm sure that you would have a hard time understanding it all.
Maria is growing bigger everyday and will soon be in High School. I wish you could see
your "Little Lady".
Make sure to say to Dad,Mary and all the rest.
Love your son

2009-10-23T03:24:00.001-07:00

John Thomas was an amazing man. So full of everything you could ask for in a person: loving, kind, brotherly, a joy and blessing to be around.

The pain I feel now that he is gone is almost unbearable. He was the kind of guy I wanted to be more like; and there are very few I say that about. He was a simple man, what you saw is what you got. He didn't care what others thought and he didn't conform to what others thought he should be. He was an exceptional human being who loved his wife more than anyone else I've ever seen. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her, nothing. Only in his death did he fail her.

I now realize if that is something even he could succumb to, how could the rest of us not? He was a warrior, a knight in shining armor, a real man. When I think of him, I think dedication. Relentless dedication.

Life is not fair. I thought I had come to realize this before, but I was wrong. Nothing i have experienced in my entire existence can come close to this. Nothing at all.

When I remember John, I can't imagine him without a smile on his face, love in his heart for those in his life, and a willingness to do whatever it took to make his true love, Helen, the happiest person on earth.

John was the kind of guy you could never really get mad at. And if you did, it was for one of two reasons: protecting his wife or telling you the truth you didn't want to hear. Or both.

It saddens me to know that over the next 50 years there will be people who will have missed out on experiencing John. They will never know firsthand of his gentleness, joy, and strength. I pity those people.

I hope to be at least half the man, husband, and human he was.

There are not enough tissues to dry my eyes, not enough hugs to comfort me, not enough people to fill the void left by him.

John Thomas, I will miss like you will never know. If I can make one promise to you, it is this: I swear to take care of Helen for the rest of my life. I promise I will treat her like you did, with the greatest of repsect and love. I promise to make her as happy I humanly can. I promise to be there for her when no one else is. I promise to keep her safe from any harm that may come her way. I promise. I promise. I promise. She is now to me like only the one other person I would give my life for.

John Thomas, you were like a brother to me. I know I never told you how much I respected, loved, and enjoyed being around you. For that, I am sorry. I am sorry I didn't know you as well as I wanted to. I wanted to become someone you call me at anytime, stop by for any reason, just hang around for absolutely no reason at all. I am so sorry, so, so sorry.

I will never forget your patience. I will never forget your love for your wife. I promise I will never forget you.

I will never forget you.

Ben

2009-09-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

Another year has passed since I last saw you. I miss you so much, time hasn't done much to heal the loss
I feel for you. I wish I could have that last visit back, we would have done more. I hope you forgive me.
Dad is still hanging in there but he misses you so. Trapper and Malory are going to have a baby in April.
You are going to be a great grandmother. Come to me in my dreams and give me a sign that you are OK.
I love and miss you so much.
Your daughter,

Janice

2009-05-19T11:36:00.001-07:00

Hi Mom and Pop,

Mommy, it's been four years since I've seen you. It just doesn't seem right.

Daddy, you left and I couldn't say good bye. Glad you went peacefully, and on yours and mommy's 62nd wedding anniversary!

Still it hurts that I couldn't get one more hug from my pop.

I love you mommy and daddy.

2008-11-19T12:45:00.001-08:00

Dear Mike,

It's been 6 years since I saw you last. I can't believe that I actually lived through the heartache.

There were times when I thought things would never be normal again. Everyday was just like the day you left me and I just couldn't imagine how I could possibly go on without you, but I did and it was hard.

I just want you to know that I still love you with all my heart and soul. You always told me that you would wait for me on the other side and I just want you to know that I am coming, just no yet.

Ann Marie had Julie Ann and it was so hard for her, you not being there but I told her that you see Julie Ann and you are watching over her. I guess you know that she now has a set of twins that will be a year old next month.

I was with Billy tonight and I see your eyes in him. It touches my heart when I look into his eyes. God I wish you were here.

I just want you to know that I still love you, no matter what has happened. You always wanted me to get married again and I did, but my heart is still with you. Bobby said that if his first wife came back, he would tell her that he is married and she would have to leave. If you came to that door right now I would be the happiest person in the world. There are a lot of things in life that you can change, but this is not one of them. So the best I can do is tell you that I still love you and to please wait patiently for me.

Love you forever,

Linda

2008-10-16T11:01:00.001-07:00

Dear Christopher,

I was just at a meeting and the topic was "Courage to change the things I can". I didn't have much to say at the meeting. You are always on my mind and in my heart. I just don't even know what to say most of the time so I say nothing.

On my way home the thought came to me about how my heart was always in the right place, but most of my actions were wrong. I wanted to be a good mom. I tried to be a good mom. Sometimes I felt powerless to change and actually do those things I wanted to do. Sometimes I felt powerless to keep trying.

I ask God for help every day, in just about every situation, to be the best person I can be - to help others, spend time with them, give them my attention, etc... etc... etc... I have so much I regret with you, with Andy, with so many others. Those 3 weeks you came back home, I didn't even know what to do. I just wish I would've asked God to show me what to do. Instead I just held onto the fact that I didn't know what to do, so I didn't really do anything. Though I was there for you and maybe, that's all I could've done.

I love you so much. I miss you and think of you always. I miss your smile and your entire being, your hugs, your I love you's, and everything! I will see you in a moments time.

Love,

Mom

2008-10-01T14:07:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,

It's been five years since you left us. Sept 27 It was a rainy, windy Sat morning and Marla called and said it was
time to say goodby. You left us that morning and you would be happy to know your wrinkles too.
Mom I miss you so much. I miss talking to you I miss your advice. You always knew when I was down
and tried to cheer me up. I talk to Marla everyday but she's not you.
I'm so sorry I didn't get to spend more time our last visit in SF. I was so worried about my jobs, I didn't give
you enough attention. I wish I had that visit back. Come to me in my dreams and let me know you forgive
me my slight. I Love and missyou.

Your daughter,

Janice

2008-09-06T01:56:00.001-07:00

Mom,
You came to mind to night,so I thought I would write you a short note.Your granddaughter starts her new school on Monday.She is a little scared but I'm sure she will do just find.The sale of your place in Walnut Creek went through in August.Both Michael and I are glad to have that taken care of.
I know you were with us in Corvallis.So,what did you think of their new house? I don'
t think they will stay there very long.Michael can't be away from Concord to long.
How is Dad?How are you an Mary getting along?
Love
Your Son

2008-09-03T16:59:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear Ruth.

Today I was sitting out on the front porch, watching and listening to the birds. I have to remain really still or they get spooked and don’t come. I had sat so still for so long, not moving a muscle, ears tuned to the birds and the wind, when I suddenly felt that you were standing just around the corner of the house, watching and listening with me. I didn’t dare get up and walk around the corner to see you because I was so afraid that would scare you away too, just as it would the birds.

You would be 50 now. What would you look like? What books would you be reading now? What gossip would we have laughed over had you dropped in for lunch today? Oh, dear sister, I miss you so much. I hope you are well and happy.

All my love,

Alice

2008-07-08T12:01:00.001-07:00

2008-06-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

Dear sweet beautiful girl,

How beautiful you looked in the photo they released in the paper and on the news. You were all dressed up for a wedding or something and looked like an angel. Why oh why sweetie did you wander away from home? Who was supposed to be watching you? Oh, my sweet baby, you were the same age as my twins. To think you had to go through so much pain. I hope to God you didn't see the car that hit and that you went unconscious quickly. I don't know what I believe, but for your sake precious, I hope you went to a better place and there were open arms to scoop you up and keep you safe.

I hope that your short little life means something to others. I hope your terrible sacrifice will help prevent this from happening to another child. I hope every caretaker makes sure his or her charge is kept safe and not left wandering to go out into the street.

In my mind I am holding and rocking you and mourning you deeply and I never knew you--a life that barely got started.

Sleep gently little angel.

2008-05-22T20:36:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,

This is about 08 October 2007, Monday. I woke up a little after 6AM to give you your meds, tried to wake you up and to my surprise you opened your eyes! It has been a few days since you could open them...You looked straight at me and you lifted your left hand towards your mouth to tell me "no more". I recall waking Manang Nelly so you could see her too. Right then, I knew you were losing the fight-cancer was winning. I can still picture and see the last time your eyes were alive.

Manang Nelly summoned me to wake Jack and Mary Ann...We surrounded you and we prayed the Holy Rosary with you. During the day we called friends and families. You have alot of friends...They came by to say goodbye.

Darryl came by with the kids around noon. Shawn, Miana gave you a hug and a kiss, I do not remember if I let Kade kiss you.

You were breathing heavily and it hurts to see you like that. We all talked to you and we prayed the Holy Rosary around you. Seeing you like that was difficult for everyone. You were so bubbly and here you are gasping for air. Your breathing was shallow and heavy. It was so sad to see you like that. We all keep telling you, "adto na lang Mom, para di ka maglisud". When you were at the hospital, I remembered what you said," Dili unta ko pa antuson sa Ginoo". The Lord answered your prayers, he did not let you suffer.

Mom, did you know that you died on Jackie's birthday? Now, you made sure we won't forget about you :)

At 3:10PM, you took your last breath. Mary Ann and Mavies, your caretaker, was praying next to you, she was so nice. Such an angel. She had a button pin that said,"praise the Lord". Isn't it weird? And you always say that praise.

Late that night the guys from the funeral parlor took you away. Jack zipped you up and kissed you for the last time...It was very painful. I hope you have no more pains and no more worries...
I think about you everyday, Mom.

Love, Jale

2008-05-11T22:23:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,

Today is your special day!!! And I wanted you to know that I was thinkin’ about you, and missing you, as I do every day. But especially today. It’s always such a hard day to get through, as I have so many fond memories of Mother’s Days past, when the kids were small, and we would all get together. That was always so much fun! And today, no one is here to share this day with, and it makes me so sad. Missy called, and Charlie tried, and Scott was wonderful and made a special effort to let me know that the doggies all wished me a happy day! So that was really nice. But Mom, I wanted you to know that I miss you every single day, and wish you were still here to spend this day with. And I wish you were here for me to call, and come see. I still have a really hard time going to the store around Mother’s Day, because they have those pretty little orchid corsages that I would always get for you…which I have bought just to set on the table, pretending that you were here. But, it’s just not the same. So, I’m glad that I can write you this letter, and hope that you know how much I love you for the wonderful mom that you always were to me. I know it must have been so difficult having one last daughter to raise long after all the rest were gone. But you did a really great job of it! And I can only hope that I am half the mom that you were. You were very strong, and smart and you could do anything. Nothing ever seemed to get you down. And I always looked up to you. I only wish that we could have had more time together…I really wasn’t ready for you to go. But, that’s kind of selfish, as I know you had many difficult times, and your health was becoming a real problem. But, I needed you, and I guess I’ll always need you, so really there never would have been a good time for you to go. So for today mom, just know how much I love you and miss you, and hope that you get my message, cuz I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Love you, Mom

Lisa

2008-05-11T22:05:00.002-07:00

Happy Mother's Day Ma, and Pop, thanks for the fireworks show last night, you know why I broke down, it's been eight years to the date and it seems like such a short time ago when we were building the el toro or sailing by the ships in the estuary. I think they were the happiest times we spent together. Watch for the christening of the boat, we'll celebrate with your favorite, extra dry Kobel. A little for you, a little for Neptune, and some for the boat. Apparently you approve of the new boat...you of course saw you name on each hulls side. Hopefully you'll continue to bring us home to the safe harbor with your lighthouse in place. And Ma, wish we could have had another wonderful dinner in Monterey...probably would have gone to Pebble Beach again, maybe Roy's this time. I miss you both and thanks for continuing to make life good for me and r.

2008-05-11T22:05:00.001-07:00

Happy Mother's Day,

Mom,
I hope you are having a wonderful day in your new home.We missed spending the day with you.This being our first without.Please let both Helen and Mary know that are now and soon to be great-grandmothers.Visiting your grave yesterday and left some pink roses for you and Dad.Last night both you and Dad came to me in two different dreams.It was a surprise to hear and see both of you.
I took a look at the old house on Friday.They have removed the overhang on the patio,enlarged the driveway and taken out the tree in front.I can still remember so many times in that house and swimming in the pool.I wished Maria could have learned to swim there.
Seeing so many reminders everywhere about Mother's Day only reminds me of our last one together.You could hardly feed yourself and I helped you thinking the whole time "why" you had always been so independent your whole life.
I know you must be in a better place and surrounded by people you care for.Till the next time.
Your
Son

2008-05-03T13:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom.

Well it's Ky Derby Day and I'm going to the Ky Derby party and see
all my Ky friends. I sure miss you and wish you were here with me,
I'll toast you a mint juilep today. Dad is still hanging in there but he
misses you so. Please come to me in my dreams. The house is
sold to Jake Benassi, it will not be the same with out you, but at
least it will be a Benassi in there. I love you so much.

Your daughter,

Janice

2008-04-23T21:03:00.001-07:00

I can't believe this is the first email I'm writing you. I can't believe that I haven't spoken to you for 16 years now. It seems unbelievable tnot to have spoken to your own father for 16 years. Even though it's been so long I still have those moments where I think,"Oh, I'll have to tell Dad that joke!" and then I remember. Maybe it's because I don't think of you as really being gone, but you're just someplace else. Like I know that you know that I'm getting a Masters degree now, and I know you're proud of me. I think of you with Großmama and Großpapa and your brothers and sisters and I know you're all aware of me and that you know what's going on with me.

I wish I could talk to you about this paper I'm working on. I'm about half-way done with it and i'm stuck right at the fall of the Roman empire and just before the Dark Ages. I can't seem to write the transition. Could you give me a hand, Dad. I'll bet you've got a pithy quote or two up your sleeve or some deep insight that will get me over the hump here.

I should tell you that I'm taking an archiving class this summer and I'll get to poke around in the archives of a big local library. You'd love it. I might take that old, old 1622 book you left me and see what the archivist has to say about it. I emailed a few appraisers about it just to know how much to insure it for, but they couldn't have been less interested. You'd think that 400 year-old books were growing on trees.

Well, I really have to get back to this paper. Send me an idea or two, would you Dad? I know you've got just the right turn of phrase to get me into the Dark Ages. I love you and I miss you so much Dad. Give everyone a hug for me.

Dein dichliebende Tochter...

Tuenkat

2008-04-18T07:54:00.001-07:00

Dear Gram:

Guess what? Today Pope Benedict is visiting the White House. They held a wonderful ceremony on the lawn of the White House with visitors from all walks of life as guests. You would have loved it! But, you are with God in heaven having a party every day! I miss you so much!!!

I'm doing my part to keep the family together. Bob helps out whenever he can. He is so good to the family. We are blessed to have him.

Aud and the kids are fine. Aud continues to struggle but she is way better than she was 2 years ago. I am here for her as her sounding board like you were. I don't do the job you did but I try my best. Somehow we are surviving. Nik is being taken care of too. She doesn't require much except her meals every day. I promise I will continue preparing all her meals and take care of all her needs. Bob helps me so much. He will be there too.

W&L just returned from a trip to visit the newest, state-of-the-art, accelerator in Switzerland. They were so excited and had a wonderful trip. B&B are doing fine also.

I miss you so much. There is no one on earth to take your place. I hope you found all your friends and relatives in heaven and are enjoying it to the max! Lord knows you deserve it!

I love you,
Wendy

P.S. Max misses your lap and especially YOU!

2008-04-18T07:39:00.001-07:00

Hi Dickie,
I just heard you passed, you went without telling me....buggers. I was thinking about you so much this last Sunday.
Where were you??
I sending this to you, hope you get it...you are in heaven, right?? I don't have an email address for limbo, purgatory, or hell, I'm sure you're not there though.
I hope you didn't have any pain, and if you did you took massive drugs.
Hope Russ is doing okay, I'll drop him a note.
I'm sad you are gone, we always had such fun together.
Allyson sends her greetings too.
Keep in touch, however you can.
xoxo Lass

2008-04-18T07:36:00.000-07:00

Hi Nonie,

Just wanted to say that I LOVE you so much!!
Thank you for everything yesterday... we all had a wonderful day... and thanks for the beautiful weather too.

Love you & think about you all of the time!!

Love always, little sausing

2008-03-31T22:20:00.001-07:00

Dear Sweedie,

It's hard to believe it's been more than two months since you left us. I've missed you every second of every day; it's so hard not being able to talk to you, see you or share with you. Since I can't do any of those things, I'm going to start writing to you to stay connected to you.

The good thing, if you can say that in this kind of situation, is that I've gotten closer to some old friends and gotten to know some of your friends better. I've even met people I didn't know were part of your life, like Abby, and heard some wonderful stories about things you've done for people and/or with them. It's nice to know more about you - the few things that you didn't share with me. It would probably amaze you to find out how many people thought you were really special - something that Daddy and I already knew.

You should know, though, that Abby sent me some photos that I had to be forewarned about. They were on the blurry side, due to alcohol consumption, and probably wouldn't have made me happy if I had seen them at the time. Of course, it looks like you had as much fun partying and hanging out with your friends as I did in my 20's. Maybe it was a good thing that I never joined you at the bar; I don't know if you could have had that much fun with me around (even though we've had some pretty good times hanging out and partying). Maybe I'll have to go down and "visit" with Michelle, Cory and the rest of the "gang" - do you think they'd be intimidated with me around?

I saw Mrs. Wright last week and let her know. She told me some funny things about you when she was your teacher. Apparently, there were a number of times when you took control of her classroom, just by being you! You would come out with something you thought the class should hear or an opinion you needed to share and the next thing Mrs. Wright knew, you had the attention of everyone in the class, taking it away from her. She said she got the biggest kick out of it (although she probably shouldn't have, being the teacher and all) because of who you were, how you managed to do it, all while being only 12 years old! She was very glad that you two remained friendly, even after middle school, and that you always felt you could share things with her, like your tattoos. I'm glad - I always wanted you to have a teacher/friend in your life like I had Mr. Dougherty; with Mrs. Wright, you definitely did.

This will give you the biggest laugh - I went to the Tattoo Expo again, this time with Aunt Deb, Carlee and Dani. I know you didn't want me to take the earrings out of my last two piercings without you here, but I did. One accidentally came out with my comb (don't worry, no damage or even bleeding); the other I had removed at the show. I am wearing posts in both (which I also know you didn't want me to do), but I'm taking REALLY good care of them, so I think I will be OK. If not, I promise to put hoops back in both. While we were at the show (in your honor), I decided to go ahead and get my nose pierced - I know, you didn't think I've ever do that, but since I wasn't going to get a tattoo, it was the only other choice. It did hurt and is still a bit sore, and I wish you were here to give me your advice on what I should be doing or stop doing to make it better. I'm not going to give up, though, because this is for you. I'll keep you posted on how it goes, OK?

I believe that you won't ever forget how much I love you - I know that I won't. You will always be my heart, Sweedie, even in it's broken state, and my forever hero.

Love always,
Mom

2008-03-31T14:35:00.000-07:00

Hi dad –
I’ve been thinking about you lately. I’d love to bring
the girls by and visit, but I guess that’s not an
option. I’ve been thinking about you sitting in all
your different chairs and apartments – vaguely I
remember the one in Castro Valley – remember I used to
sit and eat my lunch there while I worked at Safeway.
I especially remember the chair you would sit in at
the Oakland apartment, smoking your cigarette. For
some reason the chair in the Redwood City apartment is
very strong in my mind and I can barely allow myself
to think of the chair at the cabin.
Of course I feel guilty at times, thinking of how I
could have possibly saved your life, but I’m glad I
was with you when you passed on. I think your happier
now. In fact I know your happier now. Don’t leave me
cosmically like they say. Please.
At first I missed picking up the phone to call you and
for some reason I’ve been wishing for that 7 or so
years later.
Please stay with me and visit in my dreams often. I
feel you eternally daddy I miss you.
Wendy

2008-03-29T11:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom.

I miss you so much. It's March Madness Kentucy got beat in the first round. It was a
tough season, new coach young team.. Xavier plays today. Dad is still hanging in
there, but I think he's getting pretty worn out. He misses you so. Derby is in about
5 weeks, I know how you enjoyed it so.. I hope to go to Ky late spring. Cando
and I broke up some time ago, but it still hurts. I wish I could hear from you, please
visit me in my dreams, or show me some sign. I miss you every day. Love always

Janice

2008-03-26T22:39:00.001-07:00

Dear Jean

I'll be loving you always
With a love that's true always
Not for just an hour
Not for just a day
Not for just a year
But always, always

I miss you so much. I know that time is supposed to make things better, but I can't say that it has helped so far. You were so brave and I believe you did the right thing to risk surgery, even though I would have stopped it if I could. I don't think you knew how I felt about it, which was what I wanted. I just wanted you to feel supported and I think you did. It was so like you to assume everything would be ok. You spared both of us so much pain and suffering. It's funny, I never thought of it like that before. Writing to you is more helpful than I thought it would be, but I wish so much that we could talk on the phone or even email. I miss your spark, your laughter, your love, every day. I'm doing my best to make a new life. I went to a lecture on succulents a couple of weeks ago (it was very good) and I'm taking the orchid that I brought from work to be repotted this weekend. I'm in the process of looking for a corgi puppy! I'm thinking of calling her Bunny or Snooker Doodle. Nat and I went to the Golden Gate dog show in January, but I put off actively looking until the weather warmed up and I had gotten the tax info to Gary and the estate info to Stan. I've put together a binder with 17 breeders! I think you would be proud of me. I so appreciate being able to retire, but this is not the way I wanted it to be. I used to think we would go folk dancing together; it would have been fun. I'm sorry we never had a chance to try it.

Betty cut my hair today. In honor of your birthday tomorrow, I took a yellow rose to her. She told me that just yesterday she had come across the prose you left for all of us who are left behind and thought of you.

There is so much more I want to say, but I think I should stop now.

I love you.

Sue

2008-03-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Daddy,

Yesterday was a year that you've been gone. I cant believe that i got through that year without you. I hope Heaven is exactly what you hoped it would be. Im glad that you are with aunt Frances and Mom. Its peaceful knowing that you and mommy are together again and not fighting. Can you see us Dad? Krystina-Belle misses you terribly and i find that she talks about you at strange times. Like the day before your anniversary and your birthday. I got a job and you'd be proud of me. Its someplace that you would have wanted me to work for. A big store dad. I've picked up the phone a few times to talk to you just to find that you're not there anymore. I wanted to tell you so many things before you left us. I never had the chance. I want you to know that you are a great dad and that you taught me so many things and were so patient with me. Thank you! I know that i put you and mom through so much when i was younger and im so sorry for that. Im glad that you had the opportunity to get to know me as an adult and that you got to love your grand daughter. She loves and misses you so much, daddy. Do you know that so many people tell me that she looks just like you. I didnt think so until i put your pictures together on my desk at work. She has your eyes. Hows mom? Please tell her that i still cry for her and that i miss her everyday and that she was the best mom ever.Tell her that her grand daughter is beautiful and she's just like me, like mom said she would. Not a day goes by that i dont think about you. Wishing that i had the chance to hug you and tell you that i heard everything that you ever told me, even when you didnt think i was listening. I heard you loud and clear. I cant wait to be with you and mom again. Dad, the night before you died, i dreamt about you. You showed me the card that krystina sent to you that you hadnt acknowleged before. you told me that you got it and it was beautiful. 5 minutes later kathryn called to tell me that you had passed that morning. Thank you for that dad. Maybe that was your way of telling me yourself. I love you and mom and miss you. Watch over me and Bella. See ya later Daddy

With love,
Your precious

2008-03-25T22:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

I just learned that I could write to you and I want you to know we all miss you, even though after 21 years you still mean so much to all of us. Our family has so much pains and happiness in this last 20 years and it is hard to count them one by one.

Let us talk about the happiness, now you have two more grand sons from Stan after he remarried to Marie . Kids are good and they are cute. You would love them all. Also, Daniel got his little boy, now you are great grandmom now. Frances married last year and Esther is going to get married this year.

After married and divorced twice, dad finally lives by himself in an assist living that I have set it up for him. I spent every Saturday with him even though he cannot hear me well but we try to communicate. I know he misses you too because he talks about you from time to time. All the boys in the family are the same way. By now, you must met with Maria and Robert, yes both of them passed away and please tell them I miss both of them too. I will write to you again very soon.

Always love you,
-pk

2008-03-25T12:05:00.001-07:00

Mom,

I am so sorry for not being there when you passed away. I tried to be, but Jack prevented it. He ran me out of the Hospice house around 3:00 pm. and told the staff I could not back that night or spend the night with you. I wanted to, and was going to, but he flashed around his Power Of Attorney, and told me I could only stay if I was willing to pay the bill, for all your nursing and your short stay at that beautiful retreat. At first I did not know you were never going home again. By the time I realized it, I had made up my mind to stay there until you were gone. He somehow knew that, and served up the staff with all his paperwork. So, there it was. The Hospice staff thought he was the biggest asshole in the world. He didn't care. He never even called me to tell me you died, he had the Hospice guy, John do it. That was bad. Maybe the worst.

Your sisters are crazy also, but you know that already. Boots is really driving me up the wall. She has told me so much stuff, I don't know whats true and what is fiction. I do hope you did not betray me , the way Boot's is claiming you did. Of course, you could have made this easier, but I guess you just didn't care. I am so angry with you and so hurt. I also miss you every day and am so sad you are gone.

I have no contact with Jack anymore, he hangs out with his perfect niece and seems happy with it. I lost my whole family in one day. You never even came to me to say goodbye, you only held Jack close to you. I know he was very good to you, and that was a major blessing. I suppose that was all you needed. It just would have been nice, to feel that you loved me too. After all, I was your only child.

2008-03-23T20:04:00.001-07:00

Dear Dad,

I miss you in a strange way. I know we weren't close after you left, but those last phone calls stay with me. I heard you desperate, dying, afraid to die. You were so grateful that I called that you would burst our crying within a couple of minutes of us talking. 'Course, that could have been the medication or the dementia; I'll never know.

Mom always called you names and I could never figure out why you left all of us. Yeah, you said all of those years that you tried, but mom never let you. I don't get that because if you had wanted to see us, you would have done anything you had to. I know that now because I'm a mother, and my husband is a father who is extremely protective of his children.

Yet I do think you loved us--at least back then. I have flashes of memories and I think there were times when we were your life, your center. You were particularly gentle with me, your only daughter. I remember you were so proud of me and you always held me on your lap and made adventures for us.

I guess I'll never know what happens to a person--how a person can close themselves off from that initial love--even if in increments, slowly, over time. It just doesn't compute with me.

When you died I felt numb. I had waited all my life for you to acknowledge what you did and to apologize, but you always skipped over that even when I wrote you long letters or spent years angry at you. Unbelievably, I forgave you. I say unbelievably because in so many profound ways you affected my life, my losses. I felt that I started out life with a missing piece, without the security a child knows because both parents are just there. But at some point it didn't matter. What I missed, what I lacked was an idea of a father rather than you, so when you died I was merely numb. I was numb with the idea that there was no going back, no do-over, no apologies, no chances.

Still, I knew that you were the one most bereft when we stopped knowing one another and at those moments before your life ended. I felt sad for you, a broken man without his children. You lived a life on the other side of the continent without us and I think you never got over that even though it was a life you chose. I know that because when we talked on the phone it was as if you were stuck in that early time, that you knew no other "us" than "us" at the time you left.

I'll never understand what happened in your heart, your soul, but I keep the knowledge of those early years--years before you got lost.

I hope you rest in peace, finally.

Your daughter.

2008-03-23T19:57:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,
This is our first Easter with out you.We all went out to brunch in Richmond to Salutas.Micheal has lost a lot of weight and you would be quite proud of him.Paul is moving to Davis to go to school next year.Maria will be at Burkes next year.Micheal and Ceiley still don't know when they are going to move.You know I sometimes feel that you are with me and I can almost see you.I hope you are enjoying the day with Dad and Aunt Mary.I miss you,but know that it was time for you to go.Will write to again.
Your
Son

2008-03-23T15:50:00.000-07:00

You would have loved your memorial service. Funny, I thought somehow I would feel better afterwards, but I miss you more than ever. You would be so proud of your family, especially Steve. He’s so young to be burdened with matters of your estate, and especially to be dealing with his uncle, but he’s a remarkable young man and he has such wonderful support.

Over and over I kept thinking you would have loved seeing all those old friends and relatives. As much as you tried not to care, I have to believe that somewhere you are shedding a tear in gratitude and love. I wonder if there is an afterlife somewhere that you are enjoying, and now know all the answers to life’s meaning. I wonder if there is some cosmic reunion with parents and others who have gone before us. I have to think that if there is, it is full of forgiveness, knowledge, compassion and above all, peace.

My dear cousin, I will ever cherish the good times, the family bonds that will live on through the ages. I promise to remain a part of Steve’s life, and offer any support and friendship that he might want and need.

I love you, John.

Debbie

2008-03-23T15:48:00.001-07:00

Hi Mom,

Today is Easter and Michael, Caleb and I are going to North Beach in San Francisco for lunch. I wish you were here so you could join us. You have been gone since ’73 but I think of you every day and always will. I know you haven’t forget me either. You should see our garden in Fairfax. You’d love it!

Love always,

Your daughter Karen

2008-03-23T15:23:00.001-07:00

Hi, Woofer.

After 17 years of not being able to talk or write to you, I learned this morning that there is this place I can send letters to you. What an overwhelming gift! You don’t want to have to read 17 years’ worth of stuff from me right off the bat, so this is just a note to tell you how very much I miss my dearest, dearest sister. I’ll write more very, very soon.

All my love,

Tweeter

2008-03-05T22:32:00.001-08:00

Hi Ma, After what seems like a year I finally had a chance to visit your final resting place again yesterday and left some flowering tree branches so in the days to come, they should start to blossom and with the sun from the skylight shinning brightly on your spot, it should be a pretty image. I left you the usual shower cap which I'm sure the clean up crew has no idea about, but at least you, Ruth and I all understand. I'll try and get there sooner and more often in 2008. Keep your spirit alive, and until my next visit, remember, I'm always thinking of you. r

2008-02-29T08:01:00.000-08:00

Hi Jayce,
Well hunny its been almost 5 months since you have left us. We really never got the chance to meet just while you were still in your mommy. Its been very hard getting over the fact that your not here anymore, we miss your terribly. I just want you to know how much you are loved still and how much you will always be loved, you will always be my nephew just like sissy will always be my niece. We love you and miss you deeply.
Love you
Aunt Tina and Uncle Ryan

2008-02-27T13:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Jesse

Although your life was cut short at the age of 12, many of us here in Somerset remember you truly. Your smile, your shy demeanor, your nickname given Messy Jessy.
But your beauty inside and out shined for all the town to see.
Sadness overwhelmed me as I received the news that you had went to stay with God before your life was truly lived.
Your Mom, Dad, Sister and Brothers are trying to go on but their hearts broken show in their eyes.
When you say your prayers remember your parents and help them forgive themselves. Especially your father his guilt is powerful for not making you put on your seatbelt.
Daryl and I remember you from the picnics, and coming into the store to say hi.
Please take care of Baby Mario for us. He is only 13 months yet today he would be 14.
Say hi to my dad and Tell God we are trying to be good.
We will always miss you Messy Jessy

Love Laurie and Daryl

2008-01-31T12:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Ma and Pop, Once again it's Happy Anniversary time. 73 years this year. It's one of those really important dates in my mind, obviously I wouldn't be here to write this had you two not got together and even though there was no cake or champagne to celebrate on your special day, it gave me more time to reflect on the special times we had during your lifetimes. I often tell people about Pop building my first sailboat in the garage and how my search for it today still continues and how lucky I was to spend so much time with you Ma during your last five years. Isn't it strange that the 23rd ended up being such a common number in the family, and utimately a pretty lucky one for all of us. Happy Anniversary and I hope this note brings some joy to your day where ever you are. Peach, love, and happiness to you both. rc

2008-01-25T21:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Chris,

I can't believe it's been a year already since you went home to our Father. I miss you so much. I keep thinking about when we saw you at Chestnut and you hugged me and said I was your hero. I thought if you only knew what a hero was you sure wouldn't call me that. I do know what a hero does is out of love and I hope Chris that you always knew how much I love you. I look at the coconut and Life cereal at the store and always think about you. You are my hero honey. I know you struggled so much and maybe you thought your only way out was to go home and be with your Father. Even though I miss you so very much, I have comfort in knowing you loved the Lord with all your heart and gave your life to him. Grandpa and I were talking about you yesterday and how thankful we are for that. I know this is such a comfort to your mom too. She misses you so much but I have seen a very big change in her life and I know it's because of you. I think your Aunt Jenny is coming closer to the Lord too. I know that's what you wanted and your prayer is being answered. Leah too sends her love. She has such cute pictures of you and she on her wall when the two of you were little. They make all of us smile.

There has been alot going on in the family. Grandpa and I bought a pontoon boat so all the family could go on at one time. And we have our own campsite now by a lake. That too we want the family to enjoy all together. You will be with us too when we're on the lake. Aunt Jenny bought a house and we all helped her fix it up over the summer. She and Leah are in it now...finally they have their own house. Aunt Jenny said she took a step of faith to buy it because of you. Somehow you gave her the strength to do that. Lizzie always writes things to you and Nathanial asks about you alot. I know they miss you so much. Matt and Shannon send their love too.

Just like your mom, I am very thankful for the dreams God gives me of you. The one I had last week was so awesome. I got to hug you and I was very thankful for that. I am sorry for the times I didn't call you or give you a hug. You are very very special to me and I am so thankful that for the time we had with you.

I pray you are having an awesome time with your Father and your dad. I know you missed your dad very much and I hope you are enjoying getting to know him. You are missed so much honey!

Love
Grandma

2008-01-22T16:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Christopher R. Baker,

Hi Chris, it's me mom. lol Remember when you used to write me letters and say that. You're so funny. I just wanted to say hi. I know I write you everyday in my journal, but I like going on this site and writing you also. How are things going up there? It was just your 17th birthday yesterday. I brought balloons and a card out to the cemetary. I always hope God gives you a glimpse of at least the card. I love you and miss you very much. I just want to call you or something. Of course, I wish you were here and I could see you, but even to talk on the phone would be so nice. The Lord gives me many good dreams of you. I'm so thankful for that.

Andy is doing pretty good. You'd be so proud of him. He's holding a job, trying to get visits with Kailyn, and making plans for his future. If you could've held on for just a little while longer things would've turned around. Andy misses you so very much. It's heartbreaking to me. He says he looks in the mirror and sees only himself now. The 3 of us were always together. And Jarrod and the entire family have had a hard time and miss you terribly. We all just continue to have faith in the Lord and ask Him for strength to get through each day.

I will see you in a moments time, Chris. That's my new saying. I know once I walk into heaven all this pain will seem so far away, all the waiting will seem like a distant memory - it will be like we were never separated at all. I look forward to that day - in God's time. For now I'll just try to keep focusing on what He has for me to do.

Love always and forever,

Mom

2007-11-06T13:04:00.001-08:00

My dearest Ed. I cannot believe it has been 3 1/2 years since the angels took you home. I know you are in a better place, but I still miss you as much today as I did 3 1/2 years ago. I have tried getting back into the dating scene, but oh it is so hard. So many men out there have their hands out and want want want. Maybe I will just try and do lots of things alone and try to keep myself happy. Writing you helps me a lot. The place we picked out is so beautiful and there are so many wonderful people here. I am glad I brought you down to Bushnell to be close to me. I even spread some of your ashes around the brick I bought and had your name and rank and year of your death put on it. I go there every once in a while and sit and talk to you. I miss you my sweet. Your lonely wife Brenda

2007-10-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

Cory, it's been six years I miss you so much Son. I still cry everyday no one knows that ..just God ...it is still very painful my baby to know that I will never hold you again at least not here . I can't wait until I get to Heaven I heard it is nice hope you and Dad are having Fun ..Give daddy a hug for me and tell him. Brandon is going to have a baby and you are going to be an uncle and daddy a grandpa for the 5th time I think ! at any rate Cory just wanted to touch bases....all my Love Mommy ..........p.s. Cj just started a new job he is doing ok ,but I can see it in his eyes an emptiness that will always be there and Brandon he is still very much missing you watch over your brothers my son....

2007-09-07T23:05:00.000-07:00

Bunny Rabbit,

That's a good idea about writting about Dubuque,? I'll give it a shot as soon as my back heals.

I bet you forgot that I could remember your dad calling you "Bunny Rabbit"

Your favorite Uncle,

Dick

two days later he passed away.

2007-09-02T23:50:00.001-07:00

dearest peter,, I miss you so much,, its been 2 and half years since god took u,, The pain is so bad at times I do,t want to go on without u,, but I make it another day,, I pray alot,, tonight I came home from church and read some of the letters u wrote to me, just to feel your love for me,, i cried and I remembered our wedding and all our special times to gether,, I miss u so much and i love u with all my heart and soul,,, I wish u could just come to me just once just so i can see your smiling face once more,, I know u are with me in my heart but baby,, i just want you to hold me once more,,, i will always love u and need you,, your wife patsy

2007-08-18T20:18:00.000-07:00

Sharing Bee-Wees
by Ruth Wertzberger Carlson

> > One especially bleak winter day in Dubuque, Iowa, when blizzards and measles
> > had conspired to keep her ten kids (only 13 years apart) home from school for
> > weeks, my mother Rosie read in my father¹s Knights of Columbus newsletter
> > about a family in Washington, D.C. that wanted to trade houses with a family
> > in Dubuque, so they could attend a family reunion that summer. Rosie, my mom,
> > wrote an essay about how she wanted her children to see the nation's capitol
> > and the only way we could afford it was by driving and staying in a house for
> > free.
> >
> > Each evening we ran to the mailbox to see if our acceptance letter had arrived
> > and after several months, Mom dejectedly said, "They must have picked someone
> > that didn't have ten children.² When we finally got good news saying we were
> > selected out of dozens of applicants because mom's essay was so moving, the
> > ten of us screamed and jumped up and down. Later we found out that the D.C.
> > family had called a friend in Dubuque to make sure our family wouldn¹t trash
> > their home!
> >
> > The next night my Dad, Art, a manager at the Dubuque Meat Packing Plant, (the
> > Pack) brought home an empty ham container and cut a hole in the top to serve
> > as our vacation bank. During supper we prepared for our drive across America
> > by naming the state's capitols. Over dessert we'd contribute to the holiday
> > fund. Babysitting money, allowances and birthday checks all went in, and the
> > bigger the sacrifice the bigger the applause. We were each responsible for
> > packing our own entertainment for the trip, including books, puzzles and
> > stuffed animals. My brother Bobby insisted on bringing his "bee wee" even
> > though he was embarrassing old for a baby blanket.
> >
> > As the date grew closer my father made ominous noises about how it was
> > impossible for him to take vacation during the Pack's busy season so one night
> > Mom said she would go without him. The thought of my Mom driving across
> > country with ten kids apparantly scared my Dad more than being stuck with us
> > in a car for days and he managed to get the time off.
> >
> > Mom bought us all new matching outfits to make a good impression in the big
> > city and we got up at the crack of dawn so we could drive as long as possible
> > and save on hotel expenses. We didn't leave till hours later, after Dad had
> > strapped the suitcases on top of our avocado-colored station wagon and placed
> > the rest of the bags under our feet. Mom, Dad and baby Carrie sat in the front
> > seat, Susan, Jane, Debbie and I squeezed in the second seat, Cathy was in the
> > compartment between the seats and Bill, Paul, Bob and Dave sat in the rear.
> > This was 38 years ago, before child restraining seats and seat belts were
> > required. We finally drove down the driveway, only to have Debbie say she had
> > to go the bathroom, which started a chain reaction and all of us had to run to
> > the toilet.
> >
> > On the road, I remember Mom turning around to look at us and smiling with so
> > much naked love in her eyes it felt like a warm blanket. To keep us happy she
> > doled out treats like licorice and we played the usual car games, slug
> > bug--hitting each other when we saw Volkswagen bugs-- and yelling out license
> > plates. At rest stops we got a Dr. Pepper from a machine, an unheard of luxury
> > in our world where soft drinks (generic only) were reserved for Saturday night
> > after our baths. As we piled back into the car, Dad would count noses to make
> > sure we weren't missing anyone. Amazingly no one was ever left behind.
> >
> > At one point we got caught in a monster traffic jam and Mom convinced Dad to
> > let my brother Bill, then 17, drive. They traded places and Dad climbed in the
> > last seat, which faced backwards. It was 102 degrees so Dad rolled up his
> > pants, stuck his calves out the window, and fell asleep. Those pale legs
> > turned a bright red and bothered him the rest of the trip but Bill finally got
> > a chance to take the wheel.
> >
> > Despite my Dad frequently asking David, the youngest boy and a wise acre, if
> > he wanted to walk home, we only pulled over once when the radiator overheated.
> > While Dad was frantically looking around for something to untwist the hissing
> > radiator cap, Bobby surprised us all by handing Dad his bee wee. My father
> > looked him in the eyes and asked, "Are you sure?," realizing the blanket would
> > be ruined. Bobbie nodded and we all cheered. He had finally become a big boy
> > who didn't need a security blanket.
> >
> > We went to every monument in Washington D.C. but four decades later I remember
> > the drive more than the nation's capitol. Today my parents are both dead, but
> > they left us a great legacy, each other. When we complained as children about
> > having to share, mom would say "Someday you'll be glad you have all these
> > brothers and sisters." Today my siblings are my best friends and each year we
> > pile our kids into minivans and drive from different corners of the U.S. to
> > meet in a vacation spot. No one has more than three kids but when the 16
> > cousins unite they get a taste of our crazy upbringing. Fortunately, there are
> > enough young ones so we always have a bee wee--just in case there are any car
> > emergencies.
> >
> > -END-
> > Bio: Ruth Wertzberger Carlson grew up in Dubuque, Iowa and attended Wahlert
> > High School until the summer following her junior year her father was
> > trasferred to manage the Dubuque Meat Packing Plant in South San Francisco,
> > CA. The rest of the family, inlcuding (three who attended the University of
> > Iowa, Susan, Jane, and Paul) now live on the West Coast. Ruth is a freelance
> > writer who specializes in travel, profiles of women executives, sailing, golf
> > and fashion. She and her husband Richard Carlson live in Santa Cruz,
> > California and she hopes to get him back to Dubuque this summer to see her
> > hometown!
> >

2007-08-09T14:24:00.001-07:00

I just lost an uncle and Dubuque just lost their biggest fan. When I was growing up in Dubuque the Wertzberger clan got together almost ever Sunday at my Granddaddy Charlie's house. My dad Art, Uncle Fritz and Uncle Dick would sit at a card table and drink beer, smoke cigars, pipes, or cigarettes and swear a lot as they played euchre and pinochle (games my new friends in California find mysterious). Uncle Dick always took time out to tell jokes to the kids-he had 8 children, Fritz had 6 and I have 9 siblings. They were silly goofy jokes like finding quarters behind our ears, but we thought they were hilarious. My sister Debbie remembers him doing funny tricks with his tongue like Jerry Lewis.” He used his nose and ears to change directions of his extended tongue with a grand finale where he tugged at his throat and pretended to swallow it--I did that trick to my kids!, she says.

Dick was in charge of the advertising, community and public relations at the Dubuque Meat Packing Plant, skills that I'm proud to say I inherited from him. He was responsible for those jingles I still can't get out of my head: D-u-b-u-q-u-e, spells Dubuque, the meat for your family, look for the bright red fleur de lis, the symbol of flavor and quality. I still have the fleur de lis coasters, cards, and even ties he designed in my closet. Looking back I can see how innovative and savvy he was, understanding that his audience was kids and families. Thanks in part to his great marketing, a large part of Dubuque residents were able to hold down high paying jobs allowing them to become homeowners.

At his wife Stella's birthday party a few years ago in Eagle Point Park, when I commented on the beautiful surroundings, (my family moved to California when I was 17 and my dad was transferred to the South San Francisco Dubuque meat packing plant), Dick said "People take Dubuque for granted. This town has so much going for it." He made it his mission to promote the city, serving as Director of the Chamber of Commerce, many charities and mayor. My brother Bill reminded me that while he was in office the city was undergoing an economic downturn and he helped turn around the recession by convincing Bob Hope to host a fundraiser, gaining national media attention.

I'll never forget the morning I was having coffee at UC Berkeley and I heard a woman at the next table mention an article in the San Francisco Chronicle about the mayor of Dubuque. "That's my Uncle," I said proudly. "No it's a nun," she said. Turns out Dick had just ended his term and a nun on the city council had been elected. Dick told me the rest of the city council (all men) were concerned about attending an upcoming conference in Atlantic City with a nun, but turns out she got a big kick out of the risqué girlie shows and wanted to stay out later than the guys.

Dick has received so many awards it would take all day to list them but to me his most significant achievement is his successful, happy children. Dick, Jack, Steven, Tom, Barb, Michael, Greg and Maggie. Barb and I are only a year apart and although she shared a room with her grandmother she managed to slip out the window so we could go to Junie's bait shop. She used to talk the barkeeper into giving us free beer if we did the alligator dance! (Please ask her to demonstrate it for you the next time you see her!). Fortunately Dick never found out about these escapades because he was very strict with Barb, maybe because she was the only girl until Maggie arrived many years later.

Dick's wife Stella had to enter an assisted living home, much to his dismay, about a year ago and he'd visit her every day, evidence of his love for her, but also his jealousy. He didn't like all the attention she was getting from the other men. Debbie remembers him saying that his wife Stella had already been canonized for putting up with him.

Dick stayed young till the end, playing golf, sending email jokes and visiting us when he could. I have no doubt that he and my dad are playing cards in heaven right now-still swearing and accusing each other of cheating but having a good time. Bunny rabbit, Dubuque, the Wertzbergers and countless others he helped will miss him.

Ruth Wertzberger Carlson
Aka Bunny Rabbit

2007-07-24T21:54:00.000-07:00

Hello Betty, As I drove down Alvarado street today past the Dick Brunn store, i mentioned to my wife...I wonder if Betty is working today. Then we saw a huge going out of business sign so we had to stop. After a few minutes, it was obvious you were no where to be found...no smiling face walking up to me asking me how I was doing. After a few minutes I got around to asking the young man working there if he knew the woman from Capitola. "Oh you mean Betty," "yes," I replied, "how's she doing?" When he said you passed on last February it was all I could do to hold back my tears. Even now as I write this, it's all I can do not to cry. Betty, you were the one who always brought a smile to Ma's face when she like all of us needed that moment to shop. You were always smiling and always, even if we hadn't been in the store for months would remember Ma's name. You'd say, "Oh Bernice, how are you doing?" There was always genuine warmth and love in your voice, and my Ma knew it. On the occasional day when we might pop in, and you weren't working, we'd walk out and wait for another time. And today, I find that you now share another commonality with my Ma; you both are hanging out in a similar spot once again. I hope you've found each other and are trying on clothes and sharing big smiles. I miss your smile Betty, just like I miss my Ma's, but today I did buy clothes from your former employer, and every time I wear them, I'll remember how much joy you brought to both me and my MA. Thanks Betty, you too are one of the special people. May happiness shine on you everyday.rc

2007-07-18T15:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Mike,

I do not even know that Heaven exists, but I hope it does for your sake; you suffered so much on Earth, and although it literally kills me that you are not here, I truly hope you are in a better place. No one deserves the "curse" of depression to invade their every waking moment.

I think about you all the time, and I don't know how you expect me to live my life without you. I often listen to your favorite band, Oasis, play "Slide Away"

"My today, fell in from the top,
I dream of you, and all the things you say,
I wonder where you are now?

"Hold me down, all the world's asleep,
I need you now, you knock me off my feet,
I dream of you, and the talk of growing old,
But you said please don't..."

You never liked quotations, so I will explain it to you. Everyday I wake up and feel like the world is collapsing around me, and I love when you visit me in my dreams, which is not often enough. I constantly remember everything you have ever told me, but my main concern is "where are you now?" I feel like the world is "asleep" to how I am feeling; that is, no one understands, and I envy those who will never even taste such pain. You mean so much to me, and I need you here to console me; please make everything better. Please let me tell you how much you mean to me. I ponder on the times we won't have, like getting old together, but I can hear you telling me I cannot change what has happened; you tell me to remember, but also to live a double life so that you will be able to live vicariously through me.

I do not know how I will continue on, and maybe I won't. I am not sure who will be the best man at my wedding, or how I will be able to tell my children that they had an uncle. All I know is that I love you, and if you are in heaven, take me with you.

"A part of me left, that only you knew, will never be understood." "Like no other, I love you, you're my brother."

I hope I never failed you,

-- Jon

2007-07-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

Hey Man
I know you are probably really wondering why I haven't written. I have been talking to you most every night, and just forgot about this site.
I will remember it now and write more.
Last month was a really hard time, I went to the Ranch for memorial day, just like we did 2 years ago. I can't believe you have been with God for over a year now.
I am going to try and get out more this summer, it is so hard to do without you. I just miss you so much. Are you sure you are ok with me going out. ?
Work is going fine. I am keeping busy during the day. Nights so are different. Weekends are long unless I have something planned to do. I loved going with you and watch you play. I could see that you loved it and you always knew what and how to play.
I just don't know about your family--they have not talked to me and I have tried. Guess they are blaming me for you leaving us. You said just a few days before the accident that it your time was coming soon. I just didn't want it to be.
Jesse and I cleaned out the garage and it looks pretty good. Took some things to Dad last weekend.
We are having a surprise 80th birthday party for him in July. You would of loved helping plan for it.
I think I will go to my room and read some. Kim got me a book series I need to start. She asked me about it tonight and I told her I hadn't started it yet.
Camyron and Colton are getting really big. Camyron is talking better and better every time I talk to him. But I'm sure you are watching out for them also.
I miss you and LOVE you bunches and bunches........remember when we used to say that to each other all the time.
Please don't forget me.............I won't you...................!!!!$$$$$####### I LOVE YOU
Always and forever
"ME"

2007-04-27T14:38:00.001-07:00

Dear Christopher,

I miss you very much. I can hardly stand each day here without you. I don't even know what to do or how to handle this. I am very sad you felt your only way out was to leave us. You are missing so much here. Andrew and Elizabeth just had Kailyn on April 13th. She's so beautiful and you would have been such a great uncle to her. Now, she won't even know you. You were such an important part of our family and without you here your presence is very missed. I love you very much and know you are with the Lord even though you did what you did. I am sorry for the many ways I may have contributed to your decision. I do feel I was here for you to talk with and I know you know that.

Love always and forever,

Until we meet again - Your mom

2007-02-10T19:42:00.000-08:00

Hi my love. Why oh why did you have to leave me so soon in our marriage? I miss you so very much and don't know if I will ever be truly happy again. I cannot believe it has been almost 4 years since you took your place next to our Father in heaven. Ernie tries to make me happy, but we are so very different. I can count on one hand the things we have in common. I guess I was just so lonely, I invited him into my life. The only thing that makes him happy is playing golf. There are so many things to do here in The Villages as you know, but he is not into any of them, so I have to go alone if I want to enjoy the people and things to do. How sad.I know it would have been different if you had lived, but I guess I have to make the most of it and enjoy the companionship that he does give me. Not much, but I guess it is better then living alone, although sometimes I wish I was alone, then I would not be so sad that he likes nothing that I do. You and I did pick out a beautiful place for me to retire to and I will always be grateful for all that you did for me in order for me to live a comfortable life. I will write again my love and know I think of you each and every day. I have been in touch with Christine but she has not responded back as yet. Love you. Brenda

2007-01-29T00:12:00.000-08:00

Well Ma and Pop, it would have been the 72nd year anniversary of your wedding last week should you both have made it to 2007. Hope all is well and the sunset you gave me today was just a sign ALL IS WELL. Miss you both. r

2006-12-25T15:08:00.001-08:00

Hi Ed

We went down to Bushnell a few days ago to wish you a merry Christmas. Oh how I wish you could see the beautiful Villages you and I picked out to live. I think of you on a daily basis and cannot believe it has been 3 1/2 years since you left me. You made all of this possible for me and I will love you forever for it. Just wish you had been able to enjoy it with me. This was always your dream. Love you Brenda

2006-12-15T01:42:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Ma, wow you'd be 98 if were still alive, and I'm sure not feeling very comfortable. I had this day marked on my calendar since january's calendar came out and for the past week or so, knew this way was coming, and the funny thing is it didn't occur to me until I was doing the dishes and your technique for cleaning pots, pans, or anything else came to as as I was scrubbing away. Remember you told me about the birthday song, sing a verse while you're cleaning, and you've managed to rid the germs from the item. Well, sure enough in the middle of that cleaning as I was singing to myself, it came to me...your special day. I suppose you know how much I really miss you and I must admit that finally a day or two does go by without thoughts of you, but with the furniture from you and pop, and the great mirror your pop bought back in the early forties hanging over the fireplace, and of course photos of you and pop scattered around the house, it all brings warm and happy thoughts. I sure wish you and pop were still alive and healthy, but that's just not how life is as I know it. Hopefully you know a new life and can actually feel my love and loss, but even if you can't I do get a great sense of happiness having been your son while you were still breathing on this planet and having been raised by the best mom in the universe. You and pop set up a great program and I live by it everyday. I hope you had a candle to blow out, a bell to ring, or at least something to mark this special day for you. My tears are of happiness for the memories and your love. Love, peace, and joy for you Ma, I miss you. Richard. PS, your Christmas sock is hung by the fireplace right where it belongs.

2006-12-14T22:11:00.001-08:00

December 14, 2006

Happy Birthday Grandma!!! Tay, Jenn and I miss you greatly!!! Last night I was on the beach watching the boat lighting celebration and thought about you when we were at your 90th birthday dinner celebration at the Cliffhouse - remember all those boats lite up? Whenever I see that I think of you and that night. We had such a great time.

You are thought of often and always missed.

Happy Birthday my favorite grandma!!!!

Much Love Always,

2006-12-07T00:54:00.000-08:00

Hi Pop, hope all is well and thanks for the continued inspiration. I miss you and Ma everyday. Hope the lighthouse isnt' too bright during this holiday season, and we'll miss you guys again this year.

2006-11-29T21:36:00.000-08:00

Steven I can't believe you have been gone for over 3 years now. I still feels like the day I found out you where gone. I have learned how to pretend everything is OK, but I have to who else will take care of your sister. She misses you so much. We never made it to Montana and are still here in the same place. I dont think your sister would like Montana anyway, she is not much on the outdoors anymore. You also have a new little sister she just turned 2 and her name is Makenzie. Kristi loves her very much and I think it helped her not feel so alone. Son I yearn for the day that I can see you again, you are my life and my soul and I miss you so very much. I hope you are with grampa and enoying everything heaven has to offer. 18 was just to young for you to leave, but I guess god had other plans for you. I love you mom

2006-11-21T22:29:00.001-08:00

Hi Ed
It has been 3 years now and I still think of you daily. I am living your dream in Florida and wish you could have enjoyed it with me.
I will always love you. Brenda

2006-09-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

Hey Man,

Guess it's nice there. You would loved it here. the mornings are cool, days are 75 and nights cool again. Your kind of weather.

I'm listening to some of your music, and wishing I could hear you play in person again. You are the best around. You always put yourself down but you are great !!!!

I'm been keeping my days busy, working over 9 hours a day. I have been getting in around 6-7 hours overtime each week. Kim and I are still walking after work. We try to get in at least 3 nights, sometimes one of have something going on so can't walk, but we have done something else together. It's been great!!!! She misses you too.

Going to get Dawn this weekend and can't wait to see her. It's been over a year. She is ready but a little nervous with nothing to her name. Going to spend the weekend at the house with the boys. Candy said they are growing and getting smarter. Colton is very active and likes to be right in there with everyone. Camyron is the 2 year old, all over the place. Talking more and more. But I'm sure you already know all this, but that's ok. I'm just glad that you are watching out for them.

I haven't had the best of days lately. Don't know why but just been doing more wondering and don't know what to do. I sometimes start something but can't finish it because I have started two or three tasks and just don't know or want to finish them. I just don't know. I miss you being here with me. You never knew how much I LOVED YOU !!!! You always wondered and now you know. I DO !!!!. I just hope that you are still missing me and LOVE ME also.

I have never missed anyone like I do you. I have taken the life insurance license class, so now I can take the test and start sharing the plan. Hope you are proud of me for going ahead and doing what you wanted to do. It has taken me awhile, I hope I can get people to see it like you did. I'm going to try and make it.

Got to go get the clothes folder that are in the dryer. I will write again.

LOVE YA BUNCHES AND BUNCHES

2006-09-07T18:33:00.003-07:00

Hey Man

Sorry I haven't written sooner. Things have been a little busy around here. Grma Ruth, as you well know, is up there with you and Mom. She left us on Wed July 25. Fletcher and I drove to Iowa to be with Dad and everyone. There were so many there. Relatives I hadn't seen in over 10-12 years. I was good seeing everyone just missed you being able to see them and meet Grma. You can meet Grpa and Grma now. How is Mom doing? Ok also. Hope you got to play for her again.

Went to Camyron's party it was great to see the boys. Camyron cried over 2 hours when I left on Friday night. Wish I could of rocked him to sleep but Candy said to just go. Sat at the party he was all over the place. He did remember me, called me Gmal,or something like that. I kept telling him to talk like a big boy. His other brothers, I'm sure just get things for him so he doesn't have to talk a lot. Colton is really a good baby. He is very awake, just like Camyron was. Looking and studying everything and everybody.

I still wish you were here with me, but I know that you are in a better place and have no more pain. Just wish it wasn't so soon. Work is going fine. Just some nights are bad. I went the file cabinet and found some cards that you give me. It brought back some memorials and made me cry. I took the card to bed with me, have it open by the radio now.

I just walk around the house on weekends with nothing to do. I can't go though things yet, its just not time. Wish you would and could tell me something you want me to do.

Please be careful ( I know you always hear this from me, but its just the way I am) and take care of yourself. I'm not there to help and care for you.

Talk at you later Help me get through this PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!11

LOVE
"ME"

2006-09-07T18:33:00.001-07:00

Hey BOY

I know how much you 'loved' for me to call you that. Well I went to the church concert tonight with Darla and Chris plays the drums. IT WAS REALLY GREAT> I'm sure you heard it. I was crying all whole time. I missed seeing you on stage playing. The lead guy was ok but I know you are the best. You always put yourself down but you are the best.

Afterwards the lead signer, Rudy Lacy, came over to me and gave me the CD. I just cried and thanked him and Chris. He was a wild one in high school and college, went to Nashville made records and then was saved and now only Christian songs. His sister wrote most of them. The words make alot of since. That is what made it so hard for me. They were great.

Yes I'm doing OK but its hard some times. Brenda and Mike said they were coming up to visit this weekend sometime. Dad's birthday is tomorrow. If you can tell him Happy 79th Birthday. Fletcher was to be going to the ranch after work tomorrow, but he didn't come get Dad's mail. Maybe he's coming after work tomorrow or Della got bad and he's not going.

Going to clean out stuff in storage and get a cheaper one. Don't know if I'll get it done before the 10 of next. month. I'm still going to Camyron's birthday party.

I MISS YOU MORE AND MORE EVERY DAY BUT I"<>

Play really loud so I can hear you again. I still can't believe you are not here with me every time I look at your picture.

LOVE ALWAYS

"ME"

2006-08-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

Hey Man
Guess you know what is happening around here. I got the shed build and going to move things from storage this weekend. Hope to have everything out by next weekend. It looks really good.
Had some rain so the grass is green again and flowers growing.
I still think about US a lot, just can't believe that I'm alone. I start to think about things and the tears just come. I don't know what to do sometimes. I have a lot of things that I could do but just don't feel up to doing them. I haven't even baked any thing. I started cookies this weekend but just never got in the mood to bake.
Kim and I are still walking after work. We both really enjoy talking and walking. The time goes really fast. I get home around 6:30 or so.
I wish you could play something for me at night. I listen to the band cd's at work, it makes me happy and sad at the same time. Glad I have some of your playing but sad because I can't hear or see you play again. Hope you are getting to play alot more now.
Got an offer on the house, 65,000 but Kristi thinks we should say 68,000 and pay the 3%. I will still come out OK and get some put in savings. I'm sure you would agree with this offer. I will be dept free after the sell. Just have the monthly bills here at Dad's place. Don't want to get a place yet.
Well going to sign off and talk at you later. Please don't forget me and keep loving me,
I LOVE YOU>!!!!!!!!!!!!!$$$$$$$$$$###########
"ME"

2006-08-20T16:25:00.000-07:00

Hey Man

I just walk around the house on weekends with nothing to do. I can't go though things yet, its just not time. Wish you would and could tell me something you want me to do.

Please be careful ( I know you always hear this from me, but its just the way I am) and take care of yourself. I'm not there to help and care for you.

Talk at you later Help me get through this PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!11

LOVE
"ME"

2006-07-05T13:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Mike

just thought you would like to see a new picture of 'your man, cowboy'. He is getting so big.

I was watching the fireworks on TV and wished you were here with me to see them, they were great !! Remember when you thought they were only for kids until I made you go that first year. You really liked them.

It s harder everyday now. Everyone says it gets better but for me its not. The night are really bad. I'm being strong when others see me but just let it all out before bed. I'm trying really hard but we had so many plans for the future. I'm still going down for Camyron's birthday party and hope that everything goes OK, it will be really different. I WILL BE STRONG>

Julie will be here Thursday at 6 and we are going to the ranch for the weekend. It will be nice, but I hope the time doesn't go by to fast.

I miss you picking me up and hugging me. I miss you calling me the nick name you gave me. You know I haven't slept under the covers yet. Just sheet or blanket on top, even had the fan on a few times.

I miss calling you everynight on my way home from work. The drive seems so long now. Kim has been calling me everynight and Carey has called a few times too.

It don't seem fair- Lost Mom then Dawn until Sept then Camyron and Lost YOU. I just don't understand, but I'm not to . Things happen for a reason and I will learn that someday.

Going to get ready for bed. Will write again later

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$####################

"ME"

2006-07-02T23:46:00.000-07:00

Dearest Michael

I am trying to make it today, but it has been really hard tonight. I was cleaning house and moving furniture and went through some things and I got all crying again. Carol lost your pictures and they were of you and me at graduation,

Went to church today at Life and it is the church you would of LOVED. Im sure you knew I was going but anyway it was about bitterness and how we feel. Yes I am bitter at you for leaving me but your appointment with the FATHER was to happened that Wed at that time and nothing was going to stop it. Just wish it would of been here with me if it was to be, so I could of said ILOVEYOU and been with you to the end. I MISS YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is really hard to write. My face is really getting wet and don't know how to stop right now, I will be strong. You will see. I don't let to many people see me upset. I keep it to myself. Kim has been talking to me and helping but I hate to cry in front of anyone. I want to be strong.

I cleaned out the office (warehouse) Sat and moved things around. Julie is coming this week for a whole week. We are going to the ranch Friday and coming back here on Sunday afternoon. Can't wait for her to see the country up there.

This helps some but I just know that I won't get an answer back and you know how that makes me feel. Like noone is reading them. But I know you can read just no answer.

I hope you got to see MOM and you two had a good talk. I'm sure she told you how much she enjoyed your playing for her last year.

Oh that reminds me I listened to the cd of the old band Sat and it was great listening to you play all the songs again. It made me sad but I loved to hear them. You are the greatest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess its time to try to sleep again. Please don't get upset that I haven't gotten all the sleep you want me to, but tonight just isn't that kind of night.

Watched the fireworks from R BIBLE College from the middle of the street, to see over the trees, and they were pretty good. Remember when I made you go to town and watch them? You thought only kids and families did that. But when we got there and watched you thought it was pretty neat. Its was just something that our family just always did. Did things together.

Here's the picture of us. I wish we would of had a new one with your new look. I really loved it. You look so smart and rich and ALL MINE !!!!!

LOVE YOU FOREVER (and don't you forget me)

"ME"

PS heres the picture I do have of us two.........................

2006-06-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Daddy, I can't believe you've been gone seven years already. People keep telling me it's going to get better, but it just never does. It hurts today just as much as it did that night I held your hand as you passed. So much has happened that I wish you could have been a part of. Leslie got married & now you have a great grandson. He's 5 & he looks like you, Daddy; he has you facial structure & even that dimple in your left cheek. He's so cute - it breaks my heart that you're not here to enjoy him. You'd be so proud of Leslie too, Dad - she keeps earning degrees in college & has a great job in upper education in Austin. It seems like everything in life is great - only you're not here. Daddy, Mike died last week - will you look him up there in heaven & help show him around. he always thought a lot of you. Dad, ask God to open heaven's window long enough to let you look in on Hunter (Leslie's baby) long enough to see him. He's just too cute. I want you to know your great grandson! I sure wish you were here. I've had problems & choices where I sure could have benefited from your advice. But more than that. I just plain old miss you. I miss you beyond words. And I love you that way too. I know I'll see you again someday, but that doesn't help the hurt TODAY.

All my love forever,

Donnarie

2006-06-29T09:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Michael

You are possible wondering why I'm writing this, but I need to let you know that I MISS YOU <>

We had so many future plans, you did make it to your 50th birthday. You are in a better place without any pain, and I am tring to get on with my life without you. It is really really hard at night. Work has been keeping me busy, until someone might start asking me for questions. I hard for you all the time. When I think about the accident it is really hard. YOU should of just stayed here that week and forgot about getting stuff out of the house. We only had the last 5 weeks together because you were at the house for 6 months. Guess that is why it is so hard because I just got you back and then you were gone. It was just like old times with you here.

Sorry I am getting so upset, but this is hard to write when I know I won't get an answer back.

I won't let anything of your go. I need them to keep for you.

I MIIS YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am being strong around others, but the nights are really getting harder. I don't get to sleep until late because of crying. I get so mad at you for leaving. I hear a song and it just gets me thinking. I miss listening to you play. I wish you would of recorded some of you just playing like I asked you to do. I don't have anything of just you now. Please make some music for me to listen to.

Guess I will try and go to bed but don't get upset with me if I don't go right to sleep.

I know you will be saying 'you need your sleep, so get to bed' that is easier said than done.

Chris and Darla are going to take me to the OK City July meeting. The show is about them making VP's and you are in there DVD show. You made a real impression on Chris. He really liked you alot.

They even came over and visited on a Thursday night. They took a picture of you for the DVD. That was very special.

I will try and write again later

LOVE
ALWAYS
"ME"

!!!!!!!!$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$########################

2006-06-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Mike,

The day before you left here to move to OK I was so sad I cried. But you hugged me & said "Hey, don't cry - I'll be in & out; it's not like this is goodbye forever. But then you died on your way back home for one of those visits you talked bout, so it DID turn out to be a "forever goodbye. Had I known it that day, I would have hugged a little harder, maybe held on a little longer. I just wanted you to know you were one of the dearest friends I ever had & you know how it is - people get busy going about their own lives and they never stop long enough to say the important things so I'm saying it now; I love you Mike. As much as one friend can love another - I love you. I'm trying to be a friend to Ladonna now; as good as I can be considering she's up in OK & I'm still here in TX but I know how much you loved her & for that reason alone I WANT to be her friend. I never really knew her well, but for you to love her so much, she's got to be a special lady, so that makes me WANT to be her friend.

Do me a favor & tell my Daddy I love him & miss him too, will you? Somehow I just know he met you at heaven's door. If there's any consolation in all this, it's in knowing that he doesn't have cancer anymore & you've got a WHOLE, healthy heart again. Mike, all those years you saw me through the hard times, the dark places - thanks for being such a great friend. I hope you know how much your friendship really meant to me. I miss you & don't worry - I'll be there for Ladonna as much as time & distance allows.

Much Love,

Donnarie

2006-05-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

Dear sweet Harlie ,how I miss you my son ,it has been only 19 months since I have seen your beautiful face.It is mothers day tomorrow and I am hating that you are not going to be here with me.Everyone keeps telling me the days get easier but I cant see that happening at all.In three months you will be sixteen,that is going to be so very hard.It sounds weird but I would love to hold a party in your honour with your best friends to celebrate the time we all had youwith us.My heart is so broken without you I feel so empty, I hate to smile as it doesn’t feel right,it is also your little brothers 6^th birthday tomorrow ,even that will be hard without you.Connor is having an operation on the 17^th of may please watch over him my angelboy and see that all goes well ,the thought of loosing another child will push me over the edge.You truly are a beautiful soul and life without you just seems like a flower without water.love you beautiful Harlie peace be with you always .cant wait until it is my time ,so I can be with you again …love for eternity mum……..

2006-05-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

Hi Pop, Happy Anniversary of sorts, today marks your 6th year you've been in another space. I hope this memory on the Santa Cruz Lighthouse brings you some joy and happiness. You always loved visiting and taking photos of them, so this one is sort of yours. I remember once you told me after you retired and got to old to drive that if you had a lot of money you'd have a limo driver on call taking you to all the places around the bay area you enjoyed, park your butt on a bench and watch the world go by. Well this is as close to making that dream happen as Bob, Ma and I could pull off, except this way they come to you. Keep your light shinning bright and continue bringing the boat back to port safely. I love you and hope you're happy. r

2006-04-03T18:54:00.000-07:00

Hi Ma, It's a sad and yet special day today. Today marks the anniversary of your leaving this world as I know it. I hope you an pop and all our relatives are together and living in peace and harmony. Not a day goes by when I don't think about out special times together and our nightly phone calls. There are still evenings when Ruth or I talk about calling you. I mis and love you everyday. love, richard

2006-04-03T18:50:00.000-07:00

2006-03-22T17:58:00.000-08:00

My dearly-beloved Daddy,

You went home to be with Jesus Christ on Sunday, June 13, 2004; you were 61 earth-years old when you entered Heaven. Daddy, I want the whole world on cyberspace to know how thankful I am to our Lord Jesus for you. Daddy, I thank Him for planting the seed of unconditional fatherly love in your heart on the day I was born, so that you would be able to keep me for life--though Mom wanted to kill me because of the fact I was born blind. Oh Daddy, I thank our Jesus for your humility in service to family, friends, coworkers, the church--and the local community as a whole. It breaks my heart oh so much to know that very few kids my age were fortunate enough to have Daddies like you; for I believe that, if they had known you and loved you the way I did, their lives wouldn't be in the mess it's possibly in today. With such a beacon of Christ-inspired fatherly love, you shone like an angel on Earth for all to see--and quietly pattern their lives after. Daddy, I love you so much. Though my heart breaks into a zillion pieces everytime I think of you not being here beside me, I know that I will be with you in Heaven someday--with Jesus. Love God, love our Heavenly ohana--and all your beloveds you have left behind on Earth, especially me, your baby-girl. I shall use your life and legacy to inspire a world which needs fatherly love so very much! :-) :-) :-) Oh, God bless you, Daddy.

2006-02-03T21:07:00.000-08:00

Hi Mi’Sun,

It’ll be 9 months that you have been gone now.

Leslie Rae, Dad, Billy, JR and I have gone through so much. So much, I can’t believe we are all still here and have gotten this far.

Christmas afternoon was a hard one for us, Dad took an offering plate of food for you on the hill, Dad stayed up there so long, I started getting worried, but I could see him, I just sat on the back porch and imagined I was holding you as a baby and cried. I think Leslie Rae and Billy got very nervous but I seen the sadness in there eyes, Christmas was always special to us. But you know what? With our prayers and your love we got through it.

We are preparing for the memorial in May, when in Lakota way we are to release your spirit. We have done lots and will have more to do. Everything seems to going well on our part here with your home family.

Dad and I were talking and we talked about losing a child and how hard it has been, I know Mi’Sun you were 21 but we still see you as our child and always will. It has been the hardest thing we have ever had to endure. You know we lost my Mom and Dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents, cousins, friends and co-workers but this has been the most unimaginable nightmare we have gone through. Dad said he feels like there is this big hole in his heart and life now. We have all this love for our children and always will. Family, faith and friends is what has helped us through this all.

I am grateful for my life and family. I know someday we will be standing face to face again. I have my faith and it has promised me that. I will hug and kiss you, until that day Son I love and miss you with every breath I take.

Please be well, do not be sad, lost or angry, and listen and respect your Grandparents and Tunkasila.

Mom

2006-01-23T11:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Ma and Pop,
today is January 23 and it's your Wedding Anniversary!! Happy Anniversary. If I remember correctly today is your 70th, that being the case should you both be alive and on this earth. I wish you were, although I'm sure you both are in a happier and more comfortable place now. The last few days for each of you was not a comfortable state and short of a bath in the fountain of youth, you'd be even more miserable today. So today I'll celebrate your anniversary with some sparkling wine and flowers and wish you a happy day and hope wherever you are, you are happy and peaceful and all is going well. I really miss you both. A guy couldn't have had any better parents and thanks so much for everything you did to make my life as great as it is. You are and were the best!! I love you, richard

2006-01-14T00:55:00.000-08:00

Hiya Grandad im so sorry I couldn’t be there however I hope the way I let you go was suitable enough for you I love you although I didn’t know you that well but I will never forget you.

I wish now I had got to know you better and seen you more often but forget the whats whys and hows I will always be there for you in my own way and I will remember you how I last saw you I love you so much and even sue has moved on in the world look at her hair it is so nice. I know it was meant to be and I hope you feel safe now where you are we will all be seeing you very soon just wait for us ok love you forever and always your Grandaughter Hayley-Jane x x x x x x

2005-12-14T17:32:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday MA, hope all is going well with you these days wherever you are. It's your 97th birthday should you still be breathing the fresh air of Monterey Bay, and who knows you may be doing that right now. I sent a helium filled Happy Birthday balloon your way this afternoon, so if you see a blue and green one with Happy Birthday Ma written on, you'll know it's from me. Today is a pretty hard day for me just thinking that it's the second time you've had a birthday in some other place. I was down that way getting an eye check up. Stopped by the parisian bakery and bought your favortie sandwich, tasted real good. We're off the Australia for the holidays, so keep an eye on our plane and make sure it lands safely. we'll have a great time, and we'll think about you often. love you, richard

2005-12-14T17:29:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Mother... I miss you
Bob

2005-11-17T11:49:00.000-08:00

Jadon,

When I am awake, I am thinking of you... when I am sleeping I am thinking of you... always, thinking, always missing and always loving you. I will never be the same without you. My heart is forever broken. A million tears shed and still more flow...... I ask God daily to let you know how much I love and miss you.

Until that glorious day when we are reunited.... I will love you eternally.

Your mother,

Sara

2005-10-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

Esoo,

Just sitting here thinking about you, wanted to say hi. Hope you and Mom are enjoying each others company. I sure wish you were both here. Uncle, Traca & Zach all say hi and we all miss you. Well I will write again, just wanted you to know we are always thinking about you, every hour, minute and all the way down to the seconds. You are always in our thoughts and prayers Nephew. We Love you and miss you a whole, whole bunch. Talk to you again soon. Big hugs from us all!!

Auntie Honey, Uncle Charles and Cousins Matraca & Zach

2005-10-05T14:14:00.000-07:00

Grandma & Pop,
That's what he likes to call you. Today is his 11th birthday and wow, what a feeling came over me today. Made me realize there are few people in this world that I can honestly say I have that true whole heart love for. As a child you go on as your day takes you, hopefully with no cares in the world. As an adult, we can only dream of those days past. As I think about his birth and the past 11 years, I remember so many fun times together. I remember taking him to the shopping mall with Grandma and him playing on the red car - he was in heaven, as I think you were too Grandma. I remember Taylor and Grandpa playing with his glasses, how funny that was. The smiles and memories.

My heart is filled with so much love and affection for you. I miss you greatly. I wish you were here to experience the joy of his birthday. He is such a wonderful son. He has many of the family traits; loving, thoughtful, stubborn, and of course knows it all. Which surprisingly he knows quite a bit for such a young age. I hope you are able to enjoy him as much as I. He fills my heart with so much love, I cannot imagine my life without him.

It's hard sometimes knowing you are gone. I was making travel arrangements for someone and looked at the deal to Oakland, realizing I will never again have a reason to fly there - how sad that made me. You were "Grandma & Grandpa Oakland".

Love you much!
Staci

2005-09-25T13:24:00.000-07:00

Jay:

Its been two months now and I am still here waiting for you to walk in the door. I miss you so much my son and pray that you are well and with our relatives. I remember all the things you did in your 19 years of life. I am proud of you my son and will always miss you and wish you were here. I was told to burn everything and to get rid of your possessions but, I am not ready to do that. I respond by saying, "How am I suppose to burn your things I am not ready to do that. Its like dismissing your memory, your likes, your hopes and dreams." I cant do that, not right now. My only consolation is that you are with our relatives and are an angel. You lef to early and I never got the chance to say goodbye that fateful night when you said you were going to see your friends as you were happy. We were moving the next day and you were so anxious. The Rushville cops took your life and have no regrets about it. I pray for them as they need prayers for taking a life that they had no right to do. Your brothers and sisters miss you so much jay just like I think you miss us. We keep your close to our hearts and in our memories. I love you son, we all love you and miss you so much. I have found prayer again and it helps me to cope. I feel like it keeps me close to you. I just wanted to get on this website and write to you again my son and tell you that you are being thought of my son once again. I pray for strength to go on and continue to be a good mother to your brothers and sisters. I know tunkasila will see us through. Love, your mother, Arlie

2005-08-31T21:22:00.000-07:00

Hey little brother.
Everyday that goes by; is beginning to feel like seconds. Knowing that I
want to see you again; is taking an eternity. I try to do what I can, so
that I do right. No matter how hard I try; sometimes, I feel like I am not
trying hard enough. Brother, I am tired, I am weak, I have nothing left to
hold on with. The more I think about it, I wonder to myself "Why try
anymore"? "Just let go".
I wish I can go back to them days when it was always just me, you, Jr, les,
mom and dad. Them days when we were a solid family and happy. The late
nights of goofing off in the bedroom, just to see how mad we can get dad.
Pushing our limits to getting in trouble. Messing with Leslie, so she can
get tougher and beat the crap out of us...lol.
I know them days are gone. What's left of our family is there and will
always be there. I dont know what to do anymore little brother. Death is
plaguing our family hard. I want to be at home with mom and dad, to make
sure they are okay. But they have to work and take care of responsibilities
too. I would only be in the way like I always was. But I know you are there
in spirit taking care of everyone. I have my son here and responsibilities
to take care of, and its too bad these white people don't know the first
thing about 'Family'. I am always getting lectured about how bad we Indians
have it...and that its not the worst. It sucks anymore. Well, I will see you
brother.
See you on the flipside.
Take care
Peace and OneLuv

Your Brother.

2005-08-16T20:02:00.000-07:00

William, you have no idea how many times I’ve started this letter, deleted it, and re-written it!! Today feels like the right time to finally finish it, but how can I possibly put it all into words? First of all, I MISS YOU…so much that sometimes it’s hard to think of you and everything we went through together. You were Josh’s friend first, but I’m so glad I met you and that we turned out the way we did. I would have written sooner, but like I said, it’s been hard. Sometimes I forget you’re gone, and I think or hope that it’s all just a bad dream, and when I wake up I’ll be able to call you and tell you about it. You don’t know how many times I have almost dialed your number, just to say hi like I used to. You have no idea how much I miss talking to you…even if it was just to say hi...you were a great person to talk to. You were always there to protect me from being hurt, even when I didn’t know I was being hurt! LoL. You stood up for me so many times when you didn’t have to and it felt good to have you on my side. But I am glad that you knew how much I loved you, and I’m glad I got to see you and spend time with you one last time before you left us. That night was pretty crazy. We sat at the state yard for like an hour…and then you called me to say hi again, then I called you back. Talk about phone tag! The memories from the day you left are still so vivid in my mind…I’ve never felt so much pain and loss at the same time. That afternoon passed so quickly that it didn’t seem real, but the hurt in my heart reminded me that it was. Five years of memories played in my mind over and over as I tried to grasp what was really happening. I sat in my room, looked around and realized what a big part you played in my life. The pictures hanging on my wall, the stuff from prom…I even found the bracelet you gave me, lol. William, I never cried so much in my life…I never thought I’d lose you, I always thought you’d be there. I was so angry with you, and I still am to some extent…I have so many questions for you that I will never know the answers to. Why didn’t you talk to me? I know that is the universal question that everyone is thinking…but it’s the one that crosses my mind everyday. I guess I have to let go of that though and just accept things as they are. It’s been three months, but it still doesn’t seem real! We went bowling the other weekend in Winner…remember all those times we all went bowling? That was fun...they took out all those old seats in there and replaced them with tables. It seemed fitting, really, in an ironic sort of way because the last time I was there was with you and the other guys. Remembering that night makes me laugh, I think you know why. I had fun, but I couldn’t help but think that you should’ve been there with us, bowling your famous gutter balls lol! I was outside the other day when it was raining, and it smelled like sage and the first thing I thought of was you, I don’t know why…I just had a fleeting image of you laughing. I miss your laugh…it was so contagious! There are a million things I miss…your laugh was just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. But, I will always have my memories, and if all goes well I will see you again someday, right? Plan on it! lol, and I better get a hug too, because that’s another thing I miss. Look after everyone ok? Anyway, William…I better stop here, because I know I could go on forever. Love you and miss you always…~Jamie Lynn

2005-08-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

Hi Son:

I am writting to you cause I miss ya so much tonight. I smell your cologne or hear some of the songs you liked and I miss you more. Not a day goes by when I dont think about you. I wonder how you are and if your okay. We stop at your grave every time we go home and take you some food and talk to ya. I have never known so much emptiness in my life as the large whole that I have the day you left. I went to college to be a counselor to help others and yet I cant help but feeling like a failure. A total failure cause I didn't see the signs, I could hear you when you needed me. When they came to tell me you were gone. I went into shock, I stayed there until the wake when they first brought your body my son and I lost it. All the training and education I received to counselor others was not there. I was totally in shock and could not or would not believe that you were gone.

Now today, I am slowly waking up. I know that I need to reach for my spiritual believe and that is tunkasila. I wake up everyday and pray for healing and strength to go on and even to get up off the bed. I am going to church tomorrow cause I can't get to a sweat lodge but I will go to the next available temple and thats the church. I need strength to carry on or try to without you. If I ever hurt you son I am sorry. If I wasn't there for you when you needed me I am sorry. I know you check on us every now and again. I am stuck in the "What happened" who pushed you too this. Its hard to speak to new people and explain to them that you are gone. Its hard to accept a hand shack and the sad look people give to express their sorry. I want to run away cause it reminds me that I have to go on without you. Someday my son we will be together but for now. I have a purpose in this life, I dont know what it is and I have your brothers and sisters to take care of, they are what keeps me going and I am trying to relearn how to be a parent and because you left this earth to early, I watch your brothers and sisters like a hawk. I am there with tons of questions and demand answers. They are all here, when school starts Alyssa and Shawn will be going back to the reservation and I have lots of fear to have them go back were I cant see them all the time. Shawn will graduate this year and Alyssa will start high school.. I want you to know son that I love you very much and miss you. At night I look to the brightest star and sent prayers to you and ask you and tunkasila for forgiveness and that he watch over your spirit and take you home to the other side. For now son just know that I love you and miss ya so much.

Arlie LeRoy

2005-08-10T17:55:00.000-07:00

Jay,
I am sitting her as the day is done and i need to go to sleep so i can go
back to work tomorrow for the first time since you left. I need to speak
with you just to let you know that i still think of you and that you are
still in my heart. I think of you as one of my own kids both you and your
sister I love you both and i never wanted any thing bad to happen to none of
you kids. I know that i really got after you and all i ever really wanted
Jay was for you to listen so that nothing like this would happen. That day
when Auntie Mae got her house i asked you if you were going to stay with me
or if you were going to move with her. You told me you were going to stay i
really wished you would have.
All of you kids get mad at me when i try to tell you not to do things but
you know i know that when you mess with alcohol there is always consequences
and one of those consequences happens to be what happened with you. Now all
i can do is sit and pray that nothing happens to any of the other kids.
Jay just know that you are in my heart and in my mind everyday and i
want to fall apart and cry real hard for you but i need to be strong for
your mom she needs me and i need her. Together we will get through this. YOu
will never be far from my mind and i will make sure that Ski Ski remembers
you and will always know that you loved her so much.

Love you and miss you
Auntie Debb

Debb M. LeRoy

2005-08-10T17:54:00.000-07:00

Hi my son:

I am sitting here thinking about you again like I do every day, every hour, every minute. Not a day goes by when you enter my thoughts and prayers. I miss you so much. I miss our talks, I miss the days when I would come home crabby and you would pick me up and say "are you crabby big girl?"and throw me on my bed and tell me to take a nap. Or times when you would be sitting there early in the morning and I would be rushing around trying to get to work and you would talk to me. I remember your birth and all the times we had while you were growing up. You were my lil' handsome boy. You were so full of energy, like josh is.

We also talked about times that were tough for us both, like when I left you two with your dad when we went through our divorce, it was so vicious and I am sorry that I left you with him when you wanted me. I wanted you too but I was so hurt that I turned to the first thing everyone on the rez turns to, alcohol. I drank to sooth my hurt and that only made me emotionally numb for about eight months but all the while when I woke up hung over I was sick but emotionally I missed you too and realized that drinking only took the pain for a lil' while, thats when I realized I needed to come after you two and I also realized I couldn't change your dad but I could help us to heal and I needed to have you two with me. I am so sorry for leaving you with anyone else but me. I always loved you and am proud of you my son. I entered treatment and my outlook on the world changed. I was not this insignificant person anymore, I realized I am somebody and I am a good person. I came home to a new home, picked you two up and picked up the pieces as best that I could. We were together and that was all we needed.

Today I miss ya so much. I miss our talks and the arguments we had too and thats just us being real you expressed yourself to me and shared your tough times and I listened with my heart and just wanted you to know I understand. I know growing up in this world today is tough. I have learned so many things from our conversations too. I loved you through everything and every experience you had, I was there. I saw you one day with this proud excited look in your eyes and wondered what this was about and you said "mom, I am singing now with the boys, we go to pow-wows and sing and I am learning all the songs, its cool." Ya told me about your recent pow-wow trails and I saw the happiness and your spirit was changed and it showed in your big hazel colored eyes. I saw how proud of your culture and how this choice and given you a desire to participate made you ten feet tall. How about the time when you started school at Rushville and started practicing with the guys at the school on the football team. You came home and fell into bed exhausted, I would go in and check on you and watched you sleep. You would wake up the next day and got ready for school cause you want to play football so bad. There are so many times I can write down here but I want to keep some of our special times to me cause there my treasure and gift to me from you. You had many, many friends my son and some today still come up to me and hug me and tell me they miss ya so much and it just makes me cry all over again. I took all the classes, I went to so many treatments for my issues but, when you left. All that teaching and training I received on how to help people deal with their grief did not help me to be able to deal with my own loss of you. I feel sad most of the time and when I run through one of your things, I hold it and cry for you. You left so soon and I sit and think of you and wonder why? What happened? I know we had the funeral service but it was all a dream. I miss ya so much and auntie debb took me with her when we went to the Hollow Horn Sundance and they gave jojo an indian name. I was glad she did cause I used to participate alot in sundances as a supporter. I had put that aside for a bad reason and when I was there it was like I felt you next to me again. I remembered that pray is the strength, tunkasila is the power that will see us through. I pray all the time now, I am returning the my traditional spiritual belief and this is how you helped me my son. I know that mom, grandma, uncle vic, darlene and all the other relatives on the other side are there with you. I know you were scared and I know you worry about our well being too, you have come to visit us all and we all sit and share many things and experiences that we had with you and we cry, tears are tunkasila's way of helping us to heal. I thank you son for choosing me as your mom and touching my life with your presence. You are a gift from tunkasila to me and your brothers and sisters. The lil'ones ask about you and when I cry they say dont cry mom, jay is in heaven. These little guys remind me that you are in a good place now away from the pain and agony you suffered that night on July 19th. I was shocked when the cop came to tell me the news but you can bet my son that I will find out what happened in that jail. If someone hurt you, I will find out what went down and will have justice served for you. I dont know what happened that night and do know from our conversation that you were to anxious for us to move here in Rapid. You had dreams of getting as job and fixing up your car and getting an apartment. You wanted to bring stacy with you cause you loved her so much. We talked about what love was and you were so into her. She is having a hard time too, for she felt the same about you. You wanted to get your GED up here and enter the Vo-tech. for mechanicing certificate. You had so many hopes and dreams. This is why I dont understand what happened and why it all happened down at the jail. For now, I pray to tunkasila for strength and guidance through this and to keep you by his side and please pray for me and your family. We sit and talk to you all the time like you are not gone. I know how you felt about your dad. Oh my son, I miss you so much. I want you to know that I love you and have told you that so many times and you would say "dont stress mom." Though your body is with mother earth your spirit is in the spirit world. They say someday, the whys and how comes will not matter that much anymore but for now, your auntie monica has shared this gift with me of opening the spiritual door to communicate with you. I loved you so and always will. Sleep in peace my boy, dont worry about us, we will be okay. You came to my friend missy and asked her to take good care of me for you. Thanks my son for being you. I might not have agree'd with some of the choices you made but thats call live and learn. I got after you at times too cause of your alcohol use. I blame that on your sudden departure and will always hate it that demon drink the rest of my life I may never know what happened but what gives me consolation in that you are with tunkasila and our realives. I love you my son you will always be here in my heart and soul.

Arlie LeRoy

2005-08-10T17:52:00.000-07:00

August 4, 2005

Mom and Daddy,

I love and miss you both so much.

MiSun left us, I think you know that. He decided to leave on the day Auntie Delia passed away. My heart aches so much for them both. I am so lost. Leslie Rae and his Dad are so lost. All we could do was hold onto each other and cry.

We have come a long way since last May 9^th, 2005. We have gone from lost to finding warmth and love in the Great Spirit/God and our whole family.

I have decided to have a rosary every month for prayers for Mi’Sun and the family until the memorial/give-a-way next year. The first rosary was held on July 17 at our house. It went very well the prayer service was heartfelt from the family members. There was plenty of food. Some family members went into Mi’Sun’s room and read his letter and just sat on his bed and looked around and cried. I think it was good medicine for them to do that. They also went up on top of the hill where Mi’Sun left us from. Again, that was good healing medicine for them all.

Mom and Dad please give guidance to my son as to what he needs to do. Please tell him to not be sad, angry or lost. He had so much family here who loved him. I know he knew that, but I think that he was so lost even for a few hours that he thought his only alternative was to leave this life and us.

Mom and Dad please know that my prayers are strong for you all. I can feel you by us sometimes and that helps so much.

Leslie Rae went to Denver to visit relatives. She has been planning this trip all year and I told her that she still has to do it. She is going to be teaching her Aunt Theresa to do dream-catchers. Give her the protection she needs in the city and the strength to live and love on with her life as we are.

Mi’Sun wouldn’t want us to be sad all the time. We are going on with our life as much as we possibly can. I know the Great Spirit/God is helping us the best that he can, I can feel the strength within me. I also know He is allowing me to mourn like I should and I can come back and feel better every time.

Mom and Dad, I love you please watch my son and hold him and tell him that he’s okay and that the Great Spirit/God wanted him and that he is loved and needed there.

Monica

2005-08-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

hey william " Willi "

Its your frybread! You dont know how much I love and miss you. That day I found out you left us still plays in my head everyday. There really isnt a day I dont think of you willi. I know its hard for sean,logan, and josh. All our memories we had together. I remember fishing with you william. I looked up to you. You helped me alot. I remember hanging out with you at josh's. You guys shooting them praire dogs. Haha. And then you taking me on the four wheeler which was so scary. You scared so bad. But you said you would never hurt me. I believed you. Then you let me drive it and didnt show me where the breaks were. THATS SO YOU!. haha. I remember you always coming to my house to visit sean with the guys. You guys staying up really late and doing crazy things. All those nights you would go bowling. I loved going bowling with you william. . .I miss you alot william. I miss you always havin your arms out towards me when we say Hello ..you and your "Hey Frybread!!!" .. I miss being tickled or picked up by you. I felt like your lil sister..I miss your jokes..I miss the conversations we have on msn...I miss you at track practice. You helped me with shot and discus last year. Thank you so much!! I know I got mad at you once. It was only becoz I was frustrated with myself. I didnt mean to make you mad if I did...Please continue to help me in throwing. I'll throw for you! ...I miss all those basketball games we sat together at...theres a millions of more "I miss you's" i can say. but you know..I Miss everything about you..everything we did..everything that happened...I want to thank for the dreams you give me about you. They all feel so real. All the hugs. All the laughs...etc.. I wake up knowing your happy.

William im havin a hard time. Im sorry you had to go through all of that. Im sorry I couldnt cheer you up. Im sorry I didnt give you a hug goodbye before I left the bowling alley. Im sorry if I ever made you mad. I really miss you william. Take care I know your in a better place. Look out for all of us. Thank you for the memories. William "Willi" C.E

Love,

Your frybread! (Caroline DeCory) ey!

2005-07-14T22:10:00.000-07:00

Dear my blood brother Misun,

Brother, It has been more than 10 weeks since you left. It has been hard
without you here. I figure that longest time I've been away from you was
five months. When I was in Denver. I know that I have to be strong for our
own family circle. Sometimes I feel depressed and angery. I have alot of
Whys?!! too. But I have to except what you did. I know how you felt too on
May 9, 2005. You tried to make someone happy and didn't workout. Plus this
world we live in it is not perfect. Yes I tried suicide too, but I chose to
to listen to a few people before I ended my life. The main thing I kept in
my mind is that I want to see my real lovely family again from home (Rez).

The depressing part of me is that sometimes I think about suicide too.
Because it's so hard for me without you. You protected me all my life and I
did the same for you too. But I have mom and dad too. We talk about you.
Mostly the good times that we had with you. And the talk makes me feel alot
better for us.

The anger part of me is the whys. I asked "Why didn't you talk to us?".
Sometimes I'm angery at this person who hurted you. People tell me that I
have pray. At least you are at rest that no one will hurt you again.

At least you are safe and happy with the grandparents and other relatives in
the sky. Sometimes I think that you are lucky that you are up there and at
the sametime you say to me " No Les, you're lucky"

When I wake in the mornings. I realized that you are gone physically, but
part of you is here with us. When I have dreams about you. I get sad and cry
for you. Later I feel good that you talk to me and the hugs are real to me.
I still talk out loud like you are here. You may been there or not. Somedays
I kept thinking that you'll be coming home from work or hunting. Or see you
in middle of the night in your bedroom. I have to realized that you are
gone.

Well someday we will be together again. Like I said to you at the hospital.
I will always love you, I'll miss you and never forget what have you teach
me. You'll always be my baby brother. You'll be never forgotten in my heart
and memories. I love you with all my heart.

One more thing Misun. when it's my time to go. Please, be here with me and
take me to the sky with you. I will be scaried and lost at first and you
will there to protect from bad things. Tell the grandparents that I said "
Hi and I love them". Please watch over us and rest in the sky with the
grandparents.

I Love You Brother.......Leslie @--(----

2005-07-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Hito,

I love you Mi'Sun, and I thank you so much my hito for giving your elder auntie strength at my Hanbleca. You told me you would when I went home to help make your journey to the spirit world. And what a blessing you gave all of us my hito. I know now my Auntie Darlene, and I love her. I love her meat loaf that she said your grandma Jessie made all the time. I loved seeing your SMILING SIGALA face every where. I know my hito, that your spirit is free, and that your work on this earth was completed.

Like I told you my hito, go and prepare our university or college for our people up in heaven. Just remember to have a chocolate doughnut store and a mexican place where we can get good homemade burritos, chicken mole, posole, etc.

Have fun my hito, and go visit your cuzzin, my nephew Cory who was 14yrs when he went to the spirit world. I love both of you hitos too much. Your auntie will always remember you in my prayers.

Con Carino Y Paz (With Love and Peace) Auntie Maxine Christina

2005-07-14T13:11:00.000-07:00

To my son William,
Son its been 10 weeks since that fateful day you went home. Visions of that day still haunt our memories, So many WHY's!!?...So many HOW COMES!!?...So many IF ONLY's!!?.
Son I understand...that only you and God know the answer to this question. Son...I will forever hold our memories each and every day i can breath and wake to another day, and thank God for taking you home.
A father without his son, yes...I still have your mother, your sisters, your brothers, but...Son, I had arms long enough to hold all of you, and a heart big enough to hold all of you inside, But now one of you is missing my heart has been ripped out, I have been made blind, I'm running through a pit of snakes....RUNNING!! I don't know why I'm running....or where I'm running too.
As I write this to you my son, tears fill my eyes, this empty in my heart, Maybe someday you'll tell me all about it, or maybe when its my time to go... it won't matter, I won't need to know.
Son, If you can, when its my time to go.... can you and my bother come and get me? That way I won't be so afraid. Until we meet again my son, Please help mom, your sisters, your brothers for we miss you very much, I'll miss you the most for you were my best friend, my go to guy, my inspiration and.........my son,

I love you and miss you...

nelson

2005-07-13T23:03:00.000-07:00

Mi'Sun:
Hi, just wanted to write a letter to you, and to see how you are doing? And to let you know we miss you very much & we love you, you broke our hearts by leaving us Esoo, I wished you would have come to me, you knew I was here for you, we were all here for you nephew. I've always told you that since day one, even when you were barely walking, me and you against Auntie Cora and Les, weren't those some fun days? We've been through it all together nephew, you were the lil bro I never had. I sit here everyday and pull up your website with your picture and cry and think of all our good times together growing up, we've never had any bad times together and if we did, I'd always be right there crying my little heart out with you when someone would get after you or if you hurt yourself. I still sit here and think about the first day of school-Kindergarten and everyday after that. I felt so proud getting on the bus with you, going to eat breakfast with you and then walking you to kindergarten class. Those are the best days and years of my life Esoo because of how close we were. I just wanted to let you know that. Everybody at school thought the world of you, all my friends would ask me if you were my little brother, I was THE PROUD AUNTIE/BIG SISTER cause you were my very own and 1st Nephew, and like a lil bro to me, so I would tell them all, "you bet that is my lil bro and nobody can take him away from me" but I guess God and Mom (Grandma Jessie) had other plans. I hope your happy there nephew, Let Mom/Grandma know I love her and miss her very very much, I wish you were both here with us. Until we meet again Nephew/Lil Bro, remember, I love you and miss you very much, Matraca, Zach and Uncle Charles say Hi and love you and miss you very much too, YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN AND FOREVER BE IN OUR HEARTS. WE LOVE YOU NEPHEW/LIL BROTHER

Auntie/Big Sister Honey

2005-07-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

Hey bro. It feels like we lost you yesterday.> I wake up everyday, knowing that I will not hear your voice or tease and > wrestle with you like we used to all the time. There is a hole in the > family since you left, but the family will stay together as a whole.> You know something bro?> I still remember that night back in March; when I came home and you and I > went out for some chinese in Valentine. I followed you into town and you > called because you were too quick for me to keep up in a vehicle. I have > dreams that my cell phone will ring and it will be you on that other side > asking me. "Hey, where'd you go bro"?> Now as I sit here, holding my phone...remembering that night. This time I > can't follow you on this journey. I am asking the same question "Hey, > Where'd you go bro"?> You know bro...what I chose to do for a career? Its hard. Sometimes I feel > like I really want to just give up and go back to the rez. But I know, > that home is always home...I am welcome anytime. I just have to keep my > head up and stay strong.> I know you would kick me in the butt if I tried to give up...> It hurts to realize that you are not coming back. You are not there behind > that corner to scare me like you used to love to do. But I remember > everything you and I did as brothers do.> I laugh and smile to myself because when I think about you, I know its you > standing by my side whispering to me. To smile and laugh because you are > not hurt or sad wherever you are.> You are stronger more than you will ever know little brother. You are the > big brother now.> Bro...I want to ask you a favor. JR is really falling and fast. Can you > watch him and teach him to get his act together before its too late?? He > really needs to pick himself up and move ahead with his life before he > destroys himself...Please bro...I am growing too weak to babysit older > brother.> Help me bro. Teach him.> I have to go now bro. Pilamayaye Yelo> Your brother BiTTy

2005-07-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

Boom Boom,
Beyond this world is something we don't understand...You made a decision to leave and at that moment in time you felt that was the right thing for you to do.....So be it....It's hard to accept we won't see you physically ...but spiritually you are here among your family.
You are love and love is unconditional, love is forever...it never dies...it just changes.....No judgement...no lables...
....you are missed ... but Just like my Daddy....you are forever.....and the only constant is change... and often times...change is hard to accept..... :)
last night I saw one of the bright star in the sky...it was against a gorgeous black velvet sky...that star... I named Mi'sun and I spoke to you...my way of remembering you....
Although we didn't spend much time together..it was perfect as it was...I am grateful for those precious moments.. you in my heart...I will take all those memories with me when we meet again......

I love you, boom boom...

Auntie,Terrie (Theresa Sigala) In San Diego,CA

2005-07-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

I REALLY MISS YOU WISH I WAS THERE THE DAY YOU WENT HOME I KNOW I WENT BY ABOUT THE TIME YOU YOU WERE ON THE HILL WISH I KNEW I WOULD HAVE HONKED MY HORN AT YA.. BUT SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE SO JUST TO LET YOU KNOW I ALWAYS LOVED YOU AND ALWAYS WILL.. SOMEDAY YOU WIL COME GETME AND TAKE ME TO YOUR GRANDMA.. AND GRANDPA. SEE YA

2005-07-04T14:56:00.000-07:00

Mi’Sun,

It has been a little over 7 weeks now since you decided to leave.

You broke our hearts when you made that decision. Maybe you didn’t mean to do this. Maybe you did. I am sorry that you could not come to me and Dad with your troubles we would do anything for you. I am more than sure that you knew that. I am so sorry and Dad feels so horrible too.

I know you are still around, I can feel you standing by me sometimes, in the early morning or late at night. I get this feeling of a presence and I get this big lump in my throat and my heart aches, I do notice that if I start to cry you go away, but if I talk to you then you stay awhile. Please know that your family, friends and everyone you knew misses you. Some of them cry all the time, some seem angry, some are denial and some avoid us all together but that’s okay that is how they are dealing with it. You have to check on them and give them reassurance that you are well and are happy. Pray for them Mi’Sun, I know you are strong spiritually you always were.

Dad said to us one day that we have to honor, respect and love you unconditionally. We are Mi’Sun, it’s hard because we miss you so much and love you with all our hearts. But please know that we honor you and always will. Some days we walk 10 steps and fall back maybe 4, but we are going forward.

Lots of people have visited the hill on which you took your life, we have a cross of Jesus up there and lights on the cross shine at night. There are some trinkets there and Josh and Sean are going to put a sturdy fence to keep away the cows. I find myself looking up there all the time, it’s like I am waiting for you to come back down. I know deep in my heart that it will never happen. I will accept that some day, but for now I must mourn for you, my son.

Uncle Ray cries a lot for you please talk to Uncle. Your Aunties and cousins are trying to deal with this also. Please pray for them.

Mi’Sun please let everyone know that we miss them all, all our relatives there.

I love you with all my heart and always will.

Mom

2005-07-04T14:51:00.000-07:00

2005-05-20T15:54:00.000-07:00

Dearest G & G, Well, time seems to fly by. I feel awful I haven't written at all this year. I think about you two so often and even smell you once in a while. Last weekend Jenn and I were somewhere and I could smell you Grandma!! Brought a smile and wonderful memories. I haven't visited Grandma Mary in a quite a while and I feel bad that I don't feel guilty about that, so I guess I'll do that in the near future. She's just not you two!! I was cleaning out a drawer that was full of stuff that included coins. That brought back memories of you giving Steven and I a bag of coins you would collect - isn't it funny the little things bring back such great memories. UR wrote about you - you would rather sit on a bench at the Wharf than be buried - I bet that's where you are many days. I can remember you taking me to the Wharf - we would walk it end to end, or so it seemed. I remember one time coming back and showing Grandma the Donald Duck sweatshirt I bought and her saying "isn't that too young for you" - I'll have you know, I kept that for over 15 years and the memory of her saying that was so worth it. So many wonderful memories with you two. Jenn and I have been working hard on the house and yard, making so many improvements - you'd be proud of me. Doing much of it ourselves, even designing the back yard. I never knew working in the yard could be so much fun. Now I know why you liked working in your garden Grandpa. Tay and Dad have been hanging out - they are so good together. It's wonderful to see the bond they share - just like my bond with you two. Brings tears of joy to my eyes to think about all the years I had you in my life. Thank you for being such wonderful people. So caring and giving. We all have trying times with our families and I'm sure the boys would say the same, but everyone knows in the end all that matters is the love that is shared in each person's own way. Tay and I were talking the other day and he said he missed both of you, that he wished he could see you. Just think if we had been closer in proximity - we'd be over at your house all time. I'm just glad you got to meet him and he you!! He definitely has some of the family traits. Watch over him and help him grow into adulthood. So, who would have known UR and I would grow so close - I always thought he thought I was too much like my mother and we know how much he likes her - hehe. It's great to be friends with him, he is a great guy. Still the crazy UR that we remember as kids. And there's Dad - the best Dad, I'm blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. Thank you for providing that for me. You four are a big part of my heart. Love you both so very much, Love Always, SC

2004-12-07T01:16:00.000-08:00

My MA
My MA

2004-12-07T01:06:00.000-08:00

Hi Pop, golly it's been nearly five years since you left and I feel pretty terrible that I neglicted writing you. When Ma died I got this idea of having anyone who has lost a loved one to write a letter to them, thus Letters to Heaven, and Ma's been gone for a little over eight months and I've had this website up for maybe five months, so forgive me for not writing sooner. The Christmas season is here in full swing and I suppose it's a time that brings out the best in us and a time when we really feel sad that our lost loved ones are not here to celebrate the season. Pop I gotta say, Thanks for being such a Great POP, I loved you when you were here and I love you to this day. I wish I could have had the vision when you were nearing the end that that was actually happening. I remember the day before you died when I poped in for a quick visit and you seemed pretty uncomfortable, and I wish I could have realized how sick you were and spent the next few days with you...it seems like it was the next day that the end came and I'm really sorry you were alone when that happened. I suppose though you didn't want anyone to see your pain so you probably prefered it that way.
Well as you know Ma stayed alive for another four years or so and I'm really grateful that you left her in such a solid position. She had a chance to get out and experience Monterey and I'm pretty sure she stayed happy during those last years. I just wish you both could have been together during that time. It's pretty sad that as much as you loved the Monterey area you only lived a few short months after you moved down there. I could see you going to Point Lobos and taking pictures like you've never taken before.
I often think about those months when I was working part time and you and I went sailing in the bay, and how when the water started creeping up the rail and the boat started leaning so much you didn't feel too comfortable. We'll now I sure understand the feeling, you were about 65 during those day, just retired and we sure had some fun times, and I often think about you building the El Toro sailboat. You know, it was you who got me started in this sailing thing and I'm really happy you did. Ruth and I sail these days on a boat you'd just love, doesn't tip too much and has plenty of room. I hope you see us as we sail past your lighthouse. Getting your name on that plaque makes me feel like you're always guiding us in and out of the harbor, making sure our passage is safe and secure. And so far, it's working. Lots of things have happened since you left, and I suppose you've help make them as good as they have been.
Bob and I got to your grave sight a couple of months ago and it looks real nice, your name and rank racing the northwest watching the sun set every day. You're probably not too happy that your surrounded by a lot of dead people, and would prefer to be sitting on a bench near Fisherman's Wharf, but at least you have the lighthouse as another place to hang out and you sure loved the water, lighthouses, and the beach. So I hope you're there and enjoying what you can.
I'll be thnking a lot about you this holiday season and wishing and hoping I could take you out sailing and just visiting the old house.
One thing that you and Ma had to indure that never occured to me until we visited your gravesite...you lost both your parents and Ma lost one of hers all with about 18 months, all when you just had me and were only about 40 years old. So I think I was really lucky to have you until I was 52 and had Ma until I was 56. It must have been really hard for you guys to deal with all that at the same time. I'm sorry it had to happen that way.
Well Bob is on his way to a early retirement next year although he'll still keep a couple of fingers in the mix. I'm searching for some new opportunity although I'm keeping real busy...I got your home upkeep genes so I'm always trying to make things better in this house, and Staci got a few of those too, she's doing a killer job remodeling her home. Thanks for that guidance.
Well if it's possible, I hope you're doing well and you and Ma have hooked up once again and have a real special holiday season, I'll always remember you and never stop loving you. r

2004-12-03T21:35:00.000-08:00

Hi Ma, hope all is going well for your wherever you are these days. I'm sure you know the holiday season has already started and thanksgiving came and went without our usual dinner at Popoli's. We had turkey here in town and it just wasn't the same. Really, there is so much that is different. Even tonite Ruth brought up calling you and duh, that'll never happen again, but we sure think about calling you practically every nite. You know a day never goes by without remembering how many good times we shared in the last four years of your life. I suppose someday I'll stop crying when I write these letters to you, and i think some day i'll run out of tears, but the way it's going, it'll be a long time from now. Ruth and I just got back from a trip to the House clinic in LA, i just thought the doc might be able to take care of my right ear as well and needed a final answer, and at least at this point, I'm stuck with the current loss, so I wear your old one and it's doing well for me and it really helps. I think though after the new year, i'll go buy a smaller one so it's a little less obvious. We made the trip into a really fun mini vacation though, we spent two nites in Santa Barbara, and went to our favorite spots and felt like rich people for a couple of days. Everyone is out Christmas shopping and we still think what we'd like to pick up for you for a gift. You know how hard it was to get things you liked, but we spotted a couple of things that would have worked really nice for you. Ruth even spotted a pendleton pleated skirt you would have loved. I hope you're dressed to the nines (as you always were) in your new life, I'm sure everyone is still telling you how good you look. We really miss you Ma, and I hope all is well with you and wherever you are it's even better than any of us mere mortals can imagine, We love you so much and wish we could step back twenty years and do it all over again. You a rare one Ma, one of those great angels who I'm sure is helping out everyone you come in contact with, and it feels like I'm hearing bells ring all the time. Thanks for being my mother, I'm doing my best to keep your spirit alive. Merry Chirstmas and give Pop my love to, I'll write again, love richard